The other day I was told that my daughter and her best friend Dan were at the park and were “being mean” to Frances, a three-year-old. They were all at the park together, Nat, Dan Maxine (Dan’s little sister) and Frances, and the older ones started playing a game which involved being “mean” to Frances. I don’t know the exact mechanics of what happened as this was relayed to us Moms later by the babysitters, but what was most upsetting was that the older ones apparently threw rocks at poor little Frances.
It’s a horrible thought, that your child is capable of maliciousness. We all believe in our heads that our kids are nothing short of angelic (beneath the naughtiness). I didn’t find out until more than a week after the incident (Dan’s busy Mom forgot to tell me – he got grounded) , so by then it was too late to punish Nat. But we did have a little talk. I needed an explanation. I knew Nat wasn’t an angel, she certainly had more than her fair share of naughtiness, but she wasn’t a mean kid either. Ok, so she did tease her little brother a lot, but she was always sweet to the baby and I just didn’t see any maliciousness in her behaviour for the 7 years that I’ve known her.
So was this park incident just mischief or maliciousness? Was my daughter actually bullying?
According to Wikipedia:
Bullying is the act of intentionally causing harm to others, through verbal harassment, physical assault, or other more subtle methods of coercion such as manipulation.
Well, like I said, I wasn’t there. Nat and Dan have been known to cook up mischief when they were together, but never to this degree (weelll…they were caught pelting toys at the babysitter when they were 3). But more importantly, they are actually very sweet kids. Compassionate, kind and basically good 7-year-old’s – definitely not the bullying types.
So Nat, to the best of her ability, told me what happened two weeks ago. She said they were simply playing a “monster” game and Frances was the “monster”- which the unsuspecting Frances she didn’t know she was. She said they weren’t really being mean to the little girl, and that she couldn’t remember if she was throwing rocks or not. Okay…. At least she was very sorry when I explained how this sort of thing was just unacceptable and that if it happened again there would be serious consequences. I think she knew it was wrong in the back of her mind, but the mischief and fun in playing this game took over. The incident is over now, and the kids are all friends…so lets pray it doesn’t happen again.
Photo via bullyinguk
Our 2 year old boy is a mini goth. The strange thing is that our son looks absolutely angelic with a mop of light brown curls, milky skin, rosy round cheeks and a rosebud mouth – so it’s become somewhat of an ironic family joke.
His first word was “mask” – referring to the small collection of Balinese and Sri Lankan masks in my husband’s office, which I think terrified and fascinated him all at once. He’d always point at them and want to be carried up for a closer view, only to cling to us in terror (mock?) after he got a good look. Not one for Sesame Street, Barney or Thomas (unlike his 2 elder siblings) His went straight from Baby Einstein to Nightmare Before Christmas. Corpse Bride, Coraline…he just loves Tim Burton’s works, and can you guess what his all-time favorite song is? Not “The Wheels on the Bus” or “If You’re Happy and You Know it”…..but “Monster Mash”. Click here for his favourite version: Monster Mash. In fact, if he sees me on my laptop, he’ll crawl on my lap and say “watch Monster Mash” until I stop whatever I’m doing and log on to YouTube.
So you can imagine that Halloween came early to our house this year. The sheer delight on his face was precious as we unpacked our boxes of Halloween decorations and he pretty much took charge (directing his 8 and 5 year old siblings of course) of placing every pumpkin, ghoul or ghost in choice locations in and outside the house. “Its Halloween! Its Halloween!” he says excitedly every morning when he comes out of his bedroom and looks at our spider-webbed stairway and tall witch on the landing.
He’s also quite firmly told me that his costume is NOT going to be the Cat and the Hat his elder siblings both wore at his age. “I be Dracula, Mom”. Oh, and he has also demanded for his choice of Halloween cake several times a day, telling both me and his Daddy ” I want Dracula Cake”. It’s hard to say no with that angelic little face and his naturally affectionate disposition. So tonight, as I tucked him into bed (Jack Skellington stuffed toy in his arms), I just couldn’t resist but whisper that Mommy would indeed get him that Dracula cake for Halloween. Help!
Photo via nicandres
I’m not exactly sure why (hormones, fatigue, aches and pains?), but every time I am pregnant I become very angry. Not all day, and thankfully not at my husband or kids (well, not all of the time), but lets just say I have a short fuse and if anyone makes my day more difficult, woe betide them. With #4 on the way, and the other 3 under age 9, I have a lot going on. So for instance, when a sales clerk (who obviously would rather be texting her boyfriend) can’t be bothered to look for something I just know they have, or a rude lady cuts the line at the grocery checkout or the bank ….my swollen feet stamp on the ground and I see red. I know, these are all small things, but when I’m pregnant, they really don’t seem small at all.
A good friend of mine, K, who recently gave birth to her #3, fired 2 of her staff when she was pregnant. She also admitted to being an angry pregnant woman, and I vividly remember her getting ticked off with someone at the mall practically every time we went shopping together. It was pretty scary because these people are totally defenseless against a heavily pregnant woman. Now that K is back to her sweet old self, I’ve become the dragon lady, in my 4th fire-breathing incarnation. The poor husbands who have to live with this Mrs.Hyde syndrome have to get some sympathy. On our last family holiday, I fumed at our travel agent (who failed to book 3 child meals after I reminded her twice), the hotel receptionist and flight attendant to name a few. By the end of the trip (remind me again WHY its a good idea to travel in your 2nd trim?), hubby said I had to relax and try not to work myself up into a fury every time things don’t go well.
And he’s right. After a bit of web digging, I found that there are prenatal anger effects on the fetus and neonate. One study showed that one hundred and sixty-six women were classified as experiencing high or low anger during the second trimester of pregnancy, and the babies of Moms who showed the high anger were prone to bad sleeping patterns and so on. Whether or not that’s true, I don’t know. What I do know is that I’ve been angry with all of my pregnancies, and all of my kids happy and healthy – equally different in good ways and bad.
It doesn’t hurt though to curb that anger, which can’t be a good thing pregnant or not. Parenting mag gives some sound advice:
If you find you’re frequently furious, try:
* Walking away. Avoid discussions that’ll only make your blood boil — tell the offending party that you’re feeling sensitive and you would rather not talk about the issue. Then give yourself a half-hour and take a stroll, whether it’s around the office or around the block.
* Staying active. Swimming, tennis, walking, gardening — many types of regular exercise can keep your hostility barometer in check while helping to relieve physical discomforts.
* Writing it out. It can be very cathartic to vent on paper — through journal entries, poems, or outrageously nasty letters that you never mail.
* Taking a mental health break. Whether it’s a day off work or a two-hour escape from the kids, pamper yourself: Get a facial, see a movie, buy a pair of shoes.
* Seeking professional help. If you find your anger is making it hard to function, consider talking to a therapist.
Photo via Floyd Brown
We don’t call being a parent the toughest job on earth for nothing, do we? Any parent knows that this job can very well take all that you’ve got to give – and then some. New parents will also learn – very quickly, I must add – that they will be judged no matter what they do. From feeding habits to toys to education – these issues will always be raised, and controversy is not far behind. Here are some of the top parenting issues today (at least based on my experience) and what I think of them. Don’t hesitate to join in the conversation and let me know what you think!
#1: Spanking
I’ve already written a post on this, and I know just how divided parents are over the issue. Some experts say that spanking can cause children to become more aggressive as adults, while others think that disciplining them in this manner can make them understand the principle of consequences. I lean towards the latter, as long as it is clear that the emphasis is on discipline and not punishment. I know a LOT of people who were spanked as kids and turned out pretty well as adults. 
#2: Co-sleeping
Ahh, children need their own beds and their own bedrooms, right? Proponents of co-sleeping highlight the fact that children do need a psychological blanket, and parents serve as that. However, co-sleeping presents various problems: risk of asphyxiation for young kids, too much dependency, etc. I think that co-sleeping is fine from time to time, but it must not become a habit. You would want your kids to grow up learning how to sleep alone, wouldn’t you?
#3: Medication for behavioral problems
These days, a lot of children seem to be diagnosed for ADD and other similar problems. There are doctors who will not hesitate to prescribe medication to treat certain conditions. Should you immediately take their advice? I am a staunch believer in the power of medicine, but I would hesitate if my child were to be prescribed medication for behavioral problems. I’ll get a second, even a third, opinion; and then look for treatment options that do not involve medication.
#4: Breast feeding
The general consensus is the breast feeding is still best for babies (and mommies). Medically speaking, there is no point for debate. However, breast feeding simply doesn’t work for some women. My take is that we should breast feed when we can, and if it doesn’t work, then use formula. Simple.
#5: Underage drinking
My stand on this is very clear: no alcohol till you’re of age. Some parents bank on the premise that the kids are going to do it outside of the house anyway, so might as well allow them to do it at home. At least they can keep an eye on the kids, right? I don’t buy that, do you?
So, let’s get the ball rolling. What are your thoughts on these issues?
My four-and-a-half-year-old has become a rebel. I’m not sure when it happened or why. Maybe it was during the summer when he and his sister were fighting all day (and night). Maybe it’s because he found out we were expecting baby # 4 (!!). Well, whenever it happened, what’s happened is that my little angelic O is now a mini James Dean.
Take this morning. It’s time to get ready for school and the little rebel is up and ready to rebel. After 10 minutes and tears he’s finally dressed, but getting out of the house takes another 15 minutes (after he lies down on the kitchen floor in defiance). It’s the same for most of the day, where I have to repeat myself about 100x. Bathtime? He runs away. Dinner? He won’t come to the table. Bedtime? Please put away that toy, I’m turning off the lights. His talking toy camera keeps talking and I am ignored yet again.
So you can imagine I have been at my wits end all week, and to keep myself sane, I tried to look for some positives. One good thing is that my (usually) extremely naughty 7-year-old is now starting to look like an angel (she may be putting this on given her little brother’s new rebel status). Another good thing is that having done my online research, my little rebel is actually going through what you could call another natural process of growing up. And that other than the “busy” points of the day (like dressing, mealtimes, bed), he is still a very sweet boy. This, from Baby Center, made a lot of sense:
“Defiance is how your preschooler asserts himself….remember, too, that disciplining your preschooler doesn’t mean controlling him — it means teaching him to control himself. Punishment might get him to behave, but only because he’s afraid not to. It’s best for your child to do the right thing because he wants to — because it makes the day more fun for him or makes him feel good…”
So take heart parents of little rebels, and realize that this too shall pass (and hopefully your preschooler will start behaving again). For more good advice from real Moms, check out these Expert Answers.
Photo via afsilva
It’s summer vacation, and this year we decided to enjoy the time we have together as a family, without busy schedules or classes, with just the time to really do anything or nothing for once! Last summer we did no less than 3 trips, and in-between I enrolled the kids in summer classes (N did a reading workshop, O an art class), so you can imagine how the holiday went amazingly quickly and not without stress! This summer we wanted to do the opposite, so aside from a 2-week trip to visit Grandpa P, we had NOTHING else planned.
Great?! Well, yes, aside from one small detail. My kids have been fighting like cats and dogs (ok, worse!) on a daily basis. Maybe it’s because we are at our beach house and there are no other kids around, maybe its because the beach hasn’t really been swimmable so they’ve been pushed with things to do…maybe they just have serious personality clashes?….
Luckily, the truth is that siblings WILL fight and there really isn’t much we parents can do about it (other than scream and make threats). But I did find this very useful bit of advice from Positive Parenting, which said:
“Instead of reacting to the fighting, parents can choose to be pro-active. They can stay out of the fights in a nonjudgmental way. Children need to be able to settle things for themselves. Parents can teach negotiation skills later during a calm period. Teach your child to say “I’ll give you these blocks for those.” This will help them learn win-win skills that will be there when they are needed now and useful in the future.”
I’ll be giving this a try in about 30 seconds….
Photo via kafkan
