One of my resolutions for the New Year is to be a better Mom. Better, in that I am more conscious of how I am raising my kids to be happy, well-rounded and responsible adults. I have discovered that raising a brat is by far the easier way. Simply because all we have to do is give them what they want as opposed to thinking things through and giving them only what they need.

Heres a thoughtful letter written by a Filipino father to his daughter on the subject. It was printed in Business World Magazine.

How Brats Are Created

Who says only valuable jewelries can become heirlooms? My daughter showed me a copy of a letter written by her friend’s Dad on her 13th birthday. A few months after he wrote it, he died of a heart attack. Today, this letter is regarded as a family heirloom, shared not just with the immediate members of the family, but shown proudly to relatives and friends alike.

I felt the message in this beautiful letter should be shared with as many people as possible. So I asked my daughter if her friend - the letter’s addressee-would allow me to reprint it in BusinessWorld. She said there shouldn’t be a problem, except that a note should probably precede the letter asking the readers to share this with their young married children. Hah! a not-so-subtle inference that BusinessWorld readers are not exactly “young parents” anymore.

So, dear readers, do share this letter with your young married children. They will certainly find this letter - as I did - a very insightful treatise on how brats are created.

“Daughter Dearest Happy 13th Birthday!

“When you came to this world 13 years ago, you brought your Mom and I a lot of joy! We’ve always wanted a daughter and God in His wisdom gifted us with you.

“This is not to cast any aspersions at your four older brothers; they are also a great blessing and we love them very much, but boys are boys, and I look forward to the day when I am old and gray to have you by my side. I can’t see this happening with your brothers; you know what I mean, as we have talked about this at the dining-room table many a time.

“You have also heard me say that we are gifted with a lot of material wealth. That’s something we should be very grateful to the Lord about, but we should be aware that this has been loaned to us, as you too are loaned to us by God and that we will be asked to give a full accounting when our day of reckoning comes.

“The reason for this letter is to warn you about one big, big danger you and your brothers may face in the next few years. I have seen it happen in other families. I don’t want to see it happen here.

“I am referring to having you guys grow up as brats!” ‘Brat-manship’ is the process one has to go through to become a brat!

“Unfortunately, it is an ailment imposed by parents! They are the creators of the brats!

“In their desire to try to save their children from the difficulties they have been through, they do whatever possible to shield them from this. Little do they realize, that it is precisely these difficulties that have made them successful. Their love for their children may make them overprotective. They may even prevent them from taking public transportation. They come up with all sorts of rationalizations, going by public transportation is not safe, the buses are too crowded, the fumes on the road are bad for ones health, and so on!

“They mean well, but in the process, they deprive their children of what it really means to live in a city like Manila which is comprised of two strata of society - the ‘haves’ and the ‘have-nots!‘ And sad to say some of ‘the haves’ live in their little world. Unaware of that sampaguita vendor, drenched in the rain, so that her siblings may get a least one meal that day.

“The other day, I was with an elderly wise gentleman, we are at the Polo Club waiting for his car. There was a girl, about your age. She, too, was waiting for her car. When her vehicle got there, she jumped into the front seat, and as she did, tossed her beautiful pair of riding boots into the back seat. She then asked the driver if her Mom was home. ‘Wala po! Nagma-mah jong (She’s not home. She’s playing mah jong),’ came the reply! The car drove off.

“My friend turned to me and said, ‘There is an example of the under- privileged rich.’ Then he followed with, ‘They have everything and they have nothing.’

“This incident, short as it was, left me with a deep impression. I guess this is why I am writing this letter.

“Your Mom and I have tried to raise you kids to realize that our country is made up of the very rich and those who may not even have enough to have one decent meal a day. I hope you never lose sight of this. This is why we
have taken it upon ourselves to adopt a squatter family during Christmas and share with them some of some things to make their Christmas more meaningful.

In the process, we hope that you and your brothers will appreciate the conditions we live in. In the process, I hope that you always have compassion or these lesser fortunate. So that next time you see that sampaguita vendor knocking at our car window drenched in rain you do not get annoyed, but instead pull out your wallet and share with her in a small way your allowance.

“You will notice your brothers take public transportation to go to UP. It’s not that we can’t afford another car; we can’t afford for them to grow up thinking that its part of their ‘birth right’ to be in the ruling class.

“This is why we insisted that you do your bed in the morning, and to pick up your own toys and clothes, rather than have a yaya trailing you.

“And I could go on and on. As you are apt to say, ‘You catch my drift!’ “When you feel you are not getting enough money in your allowance, or get new shoes like your friends always had or the latest fad of Guess jeans, take this letter out and reread what I have written.

“We love you far too much to create a brat!

“Your Loving Father”

[tags]raising kids, spoiled brat, father[/tags]

Aside from filling their stocking with goodies and the presents from my husband and I, Santa also bring my two children something from their “lists”(please don’t mention the word spoiled). For my nearly-2 boy, the choice was easy - a wooden Thomas the Tank Engine set, his current obsession. For my preschooler, it wasnt as easy as every month she’d come up with something new she wanted. A few months ago it was a My Little Pony house/castle, then it was the Superman Matchbox activity game, then the Barbie 12 Dancing Princesses doll (which her classmate had, of course).

By the time Christmas rolled around, it had changed to several other highly-commercialized, overpriced toys which would probably keep her interest for a week tops, but there are kids for you. So I held off her “Santa Present” for as long as I could until I finally got my husband to the mall and told him to deal with it. In true male-style, he led me to the nearest Sports shop, asked the shop assistant for kid roller skates and voila- she had her present.

Its the strangest thing, but despite her not mentioning skates at all in her Christmas desires, when we went to that Email Santa website, it was what she mentioned FIRST in her letter!!! I don’t know how my husband knew, but the moral of the story is that sometimes, just sometimes, we Moms have to let Daddies work their own magic with the kids.

[tags]Christmas, Holidays, Christmas presents[/tags]

Yes, we enjoyed Dynasty, V (remember the mice-eating aliens?), Taste the Blood of Dracula, and of course ALL the Disney classics, but we were also passionate about books, going through practically all the books in our Grandfather’s home library by the time we hit our teens. The public library and bookstores were also our favourite haunts, where we could spend entire afternoons happily choosing one or two.

And now that I think about it, we were extremely imaginative and creative kids who have grown into adults who now dont even watch much television at all. In fact, these days its either my kids or my husband who monopolize our televisions, and I don’t mind one bit.

Ok, I’ll watch Martha if it happens to be on after I drop my daughter at Kindergarten and am done with the gym or morning errands, and if the latest episode of Desperate Housewives is on, its definitely Mummy’s turn tonight - but, having said that, I actually can’t sit for long periods watching the tube. My bottom aches and I’d rather be making homemade ice cream or scrapbooking in my typical Supermom drive.

My husband, on the other hand, grew up in less of a “granola” environment (the exact opposite actually) in an all-boys boarding school in England. Television was only allowed on weekends for a very limited time, and at home on holidays it was equally regulated. Not that today he’s become a coach potato, but lets just say that if he can, he’ll watch the entire DVD collection of Las Vegas or Stargate in a few days. And don’t tell anyone, but he doesn’t like reading much either.

[tags]Dynasty, television, reading, childhood[/tags]

We arrived Koh Samui and were happily greeted by Lola and Poppa Joe (my Mother and step-dad who had moved to the island last April). My four-year old N was thrilled (as she adores her Grandma) as was the little O, who unfortunately by now had a fever which spiked to a ghastly 39 degrees.

We checked into the Banana Fan Sea Resort in Chaweng beach, which was the main beach and tourist area of the island, which suited us well, as it was also the most child-friendly. Our “hut” for the next two weeks was wonderful, right on the beach with our own little terrace, and a tiny garden enclosed by a wooden gate - perfect for deterring my darlings from running straight to the beach. Aside from a pool area which stocked a good supply of water games equipment, and a little tykes playground on the beach, the hotel had a kids menu, crayons, and fantastic themed buffets nightly where the kids ate free. Add a very reasonable and friendly baby-sitting service and we were set up. It was perfect!!

As luck would have it, we had also arrived right on time for Loy Krathong, one of the biggest and most beautiful festivals in Thailand. On this night of the full moon, pretty little rafts made from banana tree trunks are filled with flowers, candles, incense and banana leaves are set afloat in rivers all over the country. There are contests and fireworks and
in our case, after a traditional show , we all set the rafts afloat in the hotel pool, which you can imagine, thrilled the children to no end. My girl N was actually the last person on the poolside, arranging the floats that had drifted to the edge of the pool and pushing them away again.

The days that preceeded were lazy and in true holiday-mode, except for my little boy’s awful cold, that is. After a few days of a seemingly relentless fever, Lola and I took him to the impressive Bangkok Hospital, where a very good doctor said that his cold had progressed to an ear infection and ordered him to take some antibiotics. Barely two days later O was back to his normal self, and our remaining days at the Banana Hotel (as N called it) were filled with swimming, eating roasted corn and mangoes from the vendor on the beach and when it rained, shopping at Tescos for toys and art supplies, and eating at Svensens ice cream.

[tags]Thailand, holiday, Loy Krathong, Travel with Kids[/tags]

As you’ll easily notice from my last posts, my four-year-old is a handful these days. She shouts at the top of her lungs as often as she can, cannot seem to sit still at home for longer than 5 minutes and will do all that is humanly possible for a preschooler to avoid bedtime - or prolong it at least.

The night before last I found her sleeping on the floor in her bedroom, and last night she asked if she could sleep there again. Is this weird behaviour or normal for someone her age?

Anyway, at a meeting at her school the other day where we Moms were roped in to organizing an entire classroom as Mexico (food, costumes,decor and all-yaaaa!) for UN month, her principal started talking about a new music-based program starting for kids with special needs - like ADHD- and I swear, I just felt she was pointedly looking at ME.

I nodded emphatcally to the Principal, but inside a wave of paranoia swept over me. Did she think my daughter had ADHD? To be honest, I don’t really know what it is exactly. I just hear about it everywhere - on tv, through friends, spoken casually in conversation like its the most normal thing in the world.

When I told my husband my worries, he brushed me off saying our daughter was a normal, energetic kid just like he was. Yes, “normally energetic” is ok, but a label like ADHD on your child is a nerve-racking prospect.

So before any more paranoia sets in, I’m off to google for a bit of educating.

[tags]adhd,parenting,kids,mums,mothers,fathers[/tags]

After my husband read my last post, I was greeted with a somewhat accusing ” Mamma’s boy, huh?” comment, looking pointedly at our son. Now, its put me in the unfair position (and he’s a big “life is unfair darling” advocate), as I seem to get mini-looks of “aha - mama’s boy!”, when our son comes up to me for an extra long cuddle or worse- when I tell our 4-year-old to share her toys with little brother. Oh dear.

Anyway, I’ve decided to do a little more on Fathers, which will include (surprise, honey!)…..Daddy’s Girl.

But first off, with thanks to Wikipedia:

The Definition of Father

A father is traditionally the male parent of a child. Like mothers, fathers may be categorised according to their biological, social or legal relationship with the child.

Historically, the biological relationship paternity has been determinative of fatherhood. However, proof of paternity has been intrinsically problematic and so social rules often determined who would be regarded as a father e.g. the husband of the mother.

This method of the determination of fatherhood has persisted since Roman times in the famous sentence: Mater semper certa; pater est quem nuptiae demonstrant (Mother is always certain; the father is whom the marriage shows).

The historical approach has been destabilised with the recent emergence of accurate scientific testing, particularly DNA testing. As a result, the law on fatherhood is undergoing rapid changes. In the United States, the Uniform Parentage Act essentially defines a father as a man who conceives a child through sexual intercourse.

Today my husband and I attended our daughter’s PTC or “parent-teacher conference”. These meetings are a great way to know how your child is doing at school, what she’s been learning and its a chance to get to know her teacher as well - so its always a good idea to come prepared with any questions you may have.

Lately, our four-year-old has been going through an “everything-is-boring” stage, much to our frustration. I have no idea how she learned the dreaded concept, but just in the past couple of weeks, activities which she used to LOVE, like football or playgroup, has been labeled with “boring!” and a refusal to go. Sigh.

Well at school, she never ever says the “b” word and according to her teacher, shows much better behaviour than what we see at home. So its interesting to see the different sides to your child at home and at school - in our daughter’s case, her teacher noted distinct leadership qualities and a willingness to share, as well as some newfound shyness. At home that reads as bossy, not wanting to share toys with her baby brother, and the shyness? non-existent.

On top of that, there were some areas of concern - that she needed more help with writing lower case letters. Also, I need to work on her self-esteem as apparently sometimes she takes her classmates’ (innocent?) teasing to heart.

So, expect more posts on that - I’m off to research.

Here is small selection of divorce books for parents worth checking out at your local bookstore.

1. Child Custody: Building Parenting Agreements that Work
by Mimi E. Lyster

A practical guide for dealing successfully with this touchy issue. Checklists and worksheets make the whole process with its somewhat daunting legal implications a lot simpler to face.

2. Its Not Your Fault Koko Bear
by Vicki Lansky

This is a heartwarming storybook for parents to read together with young children when facing a divorce. Parents with young kids have given this book glowing reviews saying how it helped their child get in touch with and understand their feelings when going through this difficult time. Kids really relate to this one. Highly recommended.

3. Dinosaurs Divorce
by Marc Brown

This time its dinosaurs taking on the emotional turmoil of divorce, but in a way that will engage kids and hopefully have a positive influence with its cheerfull illustrations. Its on the long side (31 pages) and the different chapters tackle issues from “What is Divorce” to “Living in Two Homes”. A good way for parents and children to open up honest dialogue.

4. Difficult Questions Kids Ask And Are Afraid To Ask About Divorce
by Meg F. Schneider

Parents with older kids (after preschool) were reassured with this book and claimed that the questions hit very close to home. The subjects and ages vary though, so an overall good range for parents.

After my last post and my recent uncomfortable experience, I thought it would be useful to know HOW to talk to young kids about divorce. Whether its you and your husband going through one, family members, friends or a movie or tv show, here are some useful tips I found to explain the rather serious matter to little ones:

1. Keep it short and simple - lengthy elaborations can be lost on tots, instead say something like: “A divorce is when two people who are married stop being married. They do this because they aren’t happy living together anymore.”

2. Honesty counts - If the divorce is yours, make sure you tell your child why (”we were fighting too much/making each other sad”) AND always say that it ISNT their fault and thet you’ll both always love them.

3. Talk about it - You need to help the child understand what is going on and dispel as much fears as you can from them by continuing to talk and answer questions when they ask.

4. No blaming - If its happening to you, dont make it seem like your partner was the baddie (even if he was - well, to a point.). Same goes for friends, family and so on. Negative comments can do damage to a child, if that child has a relationship with the person in question.

From the moment our daughter was born, I knew she was a daddy’s girl. As my husband says, I was pretty much “out for the count” having just undergone 8 hours of labour and THEN a c-section.

So, one can understand why the first sight of my daughter is hazy to me. Heavy drugs, sheer exhaustion and the strange feeling of actually becoming a “Mother” all melded into the first moment I saw her - and all I remember is seeing this tiny thing in a pink blanket put next to me for a second, my asking if she was healthy, being told that she was perfect, and waking up 5 hours later in the hospital room.

My husband on the other hand, has a far clearer account of his experience. One that brings tears to his eyes every time he tells the tale. I’ll leave that for him to tell himself, but it involved an experience which could only be described as pure love and joy as he watched her being born.

Throughout her infancy, terrible twos and now preschooler days, my husband has never been angry or lost his temper with our daughter (unlike bad-tempered mean old Mom). Yes, he disciplines when needed, but even then I can tell that he’s still secretly amused.

They do a lot of “daddy time” things together (roller coaster rides for instance which Mom wont do), and also have a special language / game that just the two of them can understand. Sometimes in the car they’ll be going on and on with quite animated discussions - fascinating, really.

And more evidence of the daddy’s girl phenomena - when the daughter of a good friend of mine was born, her smitten husband promptly had the baby’s foot tattooed on his shoulder. Since then, they’ve had a little boy, but I yet to ask if his feet were tattooed on the opposite shoulder. What do you think?