The world is scary. There is no denying that. As parents, it is quite common to feel the need to shield our children from the horrors of the world. We want to shelter them from the bad elements that are out there. On the other hand, as adults, we also know that one day, they are going to have to face the reality of what goes on outside of our loving home.
Even right now, with the ease of getting information, it is hard to keep our children totally sheltered. Take what happened in Haiti. No parent would want to talk about the difficult time that the people of Haiti (adults and children alike) are going through right now. Then again, our children are bound to find out on their own. More so, this can actually be an opportunity to impart some values to our children. But how do you go about it?
One thing that I consider very important is the age of the child. While I would like my children to know about what goes on in the world, I also think that they have to be a certain age to understand reality. One need not explain human suffering to a 4-year-old! I think that about 7 years old is just about right. At this age, they have a more mature way of understanding things and with the right kind of explanation, they will be able to handle difficult topics better. Of course, there are no absolutes here. You’d have to judge your child’s capabilities on your own.
Another important consideration is to reassure your children that whatever is happening to others right now is NOT happening to them nor is it going to happen to them. That second bit is close to not telling the truth, I know. After all, no one knows what will happen tomorrow! Then again, there is no need to frighten the children more than they probably are. At a riper age, they will certainly find out that the future is as uncertain as can be. For now, they need to hold on to the idea that they are safe and that their parents (us!) are here for them.
Emphasize certain values that you would like your children to learn. Going back to the Haiti issue. You may be far away but this is a great chance to teach the kids to give to others and help. You may not be able to hold a big fundraiser or a similar activity but you can donate as a family to the Red Cross. Little things like these are remembered by children and will stick with them through their adult lives.
Any tips that you might want to share?
I remember the days when the television was NOT the first option to keep children occupied. Back then, there were so many things that children could do in their spare time and not bother mommy or daddy. Today, it is sad to say that many parents (and even nannies) turn to the black box to keep the children quiet and behaved. Now I am not saying that the TV is all bad. We do have a lot of good shows for children, and with DVDs being the norm, we have even more choices on hand.
Still, I am a firm believer in engaging children in other activities and not letting the TV run their lives. While I find the TV useful and entertaining, I also think that children should be exposed to many other activities. There is a whole world of ideas and values to be learned in so many other ways, don’t you think? So, here’s a list of my alternatives to watching TV.
Stickers! There is no doubt about it – children LOVE stickers. Both boys and girls have this thing for stickers so you really should stock up on them. There are a lot of stickers that you can buy in bookstores – whenever you see some that you think your children would like, just grab a bunch. Also make sure that you have a blank notebook where your children could put the stickers. Otherwise, you might end up with stickers on the walls, on the furniture, and even the fish tank! To encourage creativity, tell your children to make up their own story with the stickers. Another idea is to buy sticker books. They have all sorts of themes – dinosaurs, gadgets, and more. Choose the ones that will interest your children and bring the books out when necessary.
Match colors…sock colors, that it. With several children in the house, I have tons of socks to pair up after washing. Instead of doing it myself, I can actually enlist the kids’ help. Toddlers who know the basic colors are excellent helpers. Just ask them to pick out matching pairs and put them together. Older kids will even be able to wrap or bind them up together. That’s killing two birds with one stone, don’t you think?
Audio books! I love to read and I love listening to audio books. I think my children should have the same passion as well. With any mp3 player, they can listen to all the stories they want. It’s better than TV because listening to stories can help sharpen their imagination as well as their comprehension skills.
So what’s on your list of activities?
Feeling stressed? Parents are no strangers to stress. We breathe it. We live it. But have you noticed that our children can get stressed, too? There’s school. There’s peer pressure. Then there’s the visit to the dentist or the doctor. There are so many things that can get to our kids.
I remember my boy when he was younger. He used to get frustrated easily when it came to his toys. He would try to do something and when it didn’t work out the way he wanted to, when he wanted it to, he would start making growling sounds. Sometimes, he would even end up throwing toys around.
What do you do when these things happen? Do you just let your child handle it alone and consider it a learning experience? Personally, I think that parents should step in and talk their children through stressful periods. Here are some ideas which can help.
Talk your child through it. When you know that something is stressing your child out, approach him/her and try to get him/her talking. Stress is always triggered by some issue, and the sooner you get to the bottom of that issue, the more you can deal with the stress. You can also help your child deal with his/her mental condition. Teach him/her to say positive phrases in his/her mind and repeat them over and over again. Examples would be “Calm down,” or “I can handle this.” Whatever phrase you think will work for your child, emphasize that.
Teach your child breathing techniques. These work for adults, why not for children, too? When I was going through a particularly stressful episode, a yogi friend taught me a couple of breathing techniques. The simplest – and yet quite effective – one is to just take deep and long breaths. You just need to focus and do it slowly. You also have to count (at least up to 3) while inhaling and exhaling. After several repetitions, you feel yourself calming down. A twist to this is to inhale through your mouth with your tongue twisted (this may not be possible for those who are not genetically able to twist their tongues). The idea is that the air going in is cooled, by the tongue; and this supposedly has a more calming effect. I have been doing this a lot and it helps!
Make a “stress box” with your child. Get an old shoe box (or if you want, buy one of those nice storage boxes from the mall) and fill it up with little things that make your child happy. Stress balls, Play-Doh, a coloring book – whatever calms your child down. Make it a point to always go to the stress box when your child starts getting stressed. Pretty soon, he/she will be going to it on his/her own.
Any other ideas on how to teach your child to handle stress?
This is probably going to be a controversial post. We all have our beliefs as to sexual orientation and it was not long ago when that hullaballoo about same sex marriage in California hit the headlines. With all the focus on same sex marriage, have you ever thought about same sex parents/parenting?
The reason for this post is the article “Same-sex couples can be effective parents, researchers find,” which I read over at USA Today. The bottom line is this:
Children raised by same-sex couples appear to do as well as those raised by parents of both sexes, suggests an international research review that challenges the long-ingrained belief that children need male and female parents for healthy adjustment.
“It’s more about the quality of the parenting than the gender of the parents,” says Judith Stacey of New York University, co-author of the comprehensive review. It will be published Friday in the Journal of Marriage and Family.
Naturally, I had to look into the details. What did they measure effective parenting by? Apparently, they took a look at things such as self-esteem, social adjustment, performance in school, and so on. I cannot argue that these things are universally regarded as important by parents, can you?
Experts say that what counts is the quality of the parents rather than the gender. It reminded me of the forever present argument when it comes to the corporate world. It used to be that men got better jobs and higher pay in spite of the fact that there are women who are just as qualified as they are. (Maybe this is still happening, I am not so sure.) The perennial argument is that the gender does not matter.
Maybe I am a bit traditional in this sense as I cannot help but think about the need of children for a father figure. This could be because I grew up with the males in my family on a pedestal. This could also be because I want my children to grow up with the father figuring prominently in their lives.
Still, we cannot discount the fact that there are children being raised today without a (traditional) father and a (traditional) mother, and studies show that they are doing just fine. I suppose that it doesn’t work for (or sit well with) everyone, and it really is the quality that will matter at the end of the day.
What’s going through your mind?
I can already hear (and see) you reacting quite strongly to that question. It’s a no brainer right? Any parent knows that while children are precious, there are just times when they will make one’s blood pressure shoot up like a rocket crazy to go to outer space. I know this, and you know this; so what’s up with question that I am posing?
Earlier, I stumbled upon a very interesting study about how people actually benefit from being parents – in terms of lower blood pressure. Just like you probably, the first thought that entered my mind was: that’s a load of crock. Then again, when I read more, it seemed to make some sense.
In a nutshell, the study’s results bank on the fact that having children give us a more meaningful life and a sense of purpose. Even if you take children out of the equation, it is easy to understand how the simple idea of having a bigger perspective, a sense of purpose, can be beneficial to an individual.
Think about it, when you face some really stressful situation at work, does coming home to your children help you de-stress? Even the mere thought of going home to your babies makes a difference, right? Or let’s say you don’t work – that doesn’t mean you’re immune to the stresses of life. Having a kid, according to the study, helps you deal better with these things.
Some details about the study:
The conclusion comes from a study of 198 adults who were fitted with portable blood pressure monitors for 24 hours as they went about their normal lives. Researchers took into account other factors that can influence blood pressure, such as health, age, weight, exercise, employment and drinking history. The effect was stronger among women. Mothers had a 12 and seven-point difference in blood pressure compared with childless women.
Dr Julianne Holt-Lunstad, who led the study at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, said: ‘While caring for children may include daily hassles, deriving a sense of meaning and purpose from life’s stress has been shown to be associated with better health outcomes.’ Many parents, who cast an envious eye over the apparently carefree lives of childless couples, may disagree.
You think? I can rattle off a long list of parents who would probably disagree. I think, though, that it really depends on the situation and the point in time. So what do you think – does being a parent reduce or increase blood pressure?
Year in and year out, people get all worked up about making resolutions for the New Year. I have to admit that I am one of them. I just like planning (even if just a little bit) on trying to become a better person. Of course, being a parent is an aspect that I can never ignore, and parenting resolutions are always part of the deal. This year, I have come up with a few resolutions that I would like to give a try. Let me share them with you and let me know what you think.
Have one “distraction-free” day a week. It can even be once a month. The idea is that each member of the family can get to enjoy each other’s company without the usual distractions of TV, video games, computers, and other similar things. Reading together, playing together, preparing meals and eating together – simply communication directly. This should improve relationships between all of us and lessen our dependence on external objects.
Learn to stop being a “fixer.” I have to admit it: I like to fix things and rescue people. I am solution-oriented, and if there is something that is not right, I will immediately do something about it. I guess a lot of parents have the same attitude, especially when it comes to their children. We want to make sure that the children do not have to suffer unnecessarily. We want to do things for our children so that they will have it easy. But you know what? When they get older, they will have to do things on their own. We should help them prepare for that day, and rescuing them all the time is not going to achieve that. Next year, I want to reign myself in in terms of being the rescuer of my kids. That’s not to say that I will stop doing things for them – I am THE mom after all; but my kids will learn to be more independent if I have anything to do with it.
Encourage a healthier lifestyle. From healthier eating to more physical activities – these are things that some children are missing out. We haven’t had too many issues in this regard, but I want to pay more attention to living a healthy lifestyle. Next year, I want my children to experience this lifestyle more in the hopes that they will carry it all throughout their adulthood.
What are your parenting resolutions for 2010?
After writing that post on cancelling Christmas, another controversial thought came to mind: is it right for us, parents, to encourage our children to believe in Santa? We all know (well, adults at least) that Santa is not real, a myth. There are even children who know and acknowledge this; but we cannot deny the thrill that ran through our veins when, as children, we would anxiously await what Santa was going to give us every Christmas.
On the one hand, we know that we are allowing our children to be kids and enjoy the magic of the season. The rationale is that even if Santa is not a real person, he does exist in spirit. Whenever a person exercises generosity of spirit without expecting anything in return, isn’t that something that Santa would do?
On the other hand, perpetuating the myth can be likened to lying to the kids. We already know that this person does not exist as we do, and yet we use him to make our children happy. We might even invoke his name when we want our children to behave.
I am sure that more than one of you guys has had these thoughts at least once. Did you ever resolve the issue?
Me, I think that I shall stick to allowing my kids to believe that Santa does exist. At least for now. They have all their adult lives to know the real deal. They will have 30, 40, even 50 years to spend knowing that Santa is really just daddy and mommy. Why spoil their childhood when they are clearly enjoying the wait and anticipation associated with Santa and his gifts?
I believe that allowing the Santa myth to go on is one way of nurturing their childhood innocence, their sense of wonder at certain things. Again, when they reach the age of 10 (maybe earlier for some), they will certainly learn the truth. It’s just like with many other things in life – children will have to grow up and learn that life is not all roses; but do we hurry up and destroy their innocence before we absolutely have to? I don’t think so. It’s the same thing with Santa. The kids are enjoying the whole idea – let them. When they start getting confused and start asking questions, then let’s deal with it. For now, why not enjoy the wonder and amazement in their eyes?
I remember a conversation I had with a friend, which happened many years ago, very clearly to this day. We were talking about how some parents “kill Santa” for their kids. This memory was brought to mind afresh just minutes ago as I was reading an article written by Lorraine Sommerfeld. Titled “Tough love parenting: Parents who cancelled Christmas,” the article talks about “extreme” measures that some parents take in order to straighten out unmanageable kids.
She talked about some stories of parents “cancelling Christmas:”
I wonder how many would feature tales like the year my mother cancelled Christmas.
Mournful little girls had to wait until noon to get their stockings, which had indeed been taken down and hidden. Mom was bigger than Santa Claus.
But a reader topped that one, too. Michael told me that the week before Christmas, his father went outside, shot twice into the air with a .22 rifle, then came back in and told two rowdy lads he’d killed Santa. My mother, apparently, had only delayed him.
This got me thinking…would I ever take on the tough love parenting stance to the extreme and do something such as cancelling Christmas? I cannot imagine myself telling our little ones that I have asked Santa not to drop by because they are behaving inappropriately, much less tell them I killed him. I suppose though, that cancelling Christmas can take on various forms.
Our Christmas plans are already set for the year, and the kids are not proving to be more trouble than they normally are, so I doubt that I will have the need to practice this kind of tough love this season. The article did give me some ideas on how we can give Christmas a little twist.
Perhaps, instead of getting all those presents from us on Christmas, we can ask them to pick out all the things they want to give away and then organize a little party for the less fortunate kids. That’s not exactly cancelling Christmas but teaches the kids a life lesson.
Anyhow, going back to tough love parenting…I find it particularly interesting that “frightening” children has a psychological and behavioral basis. Sommerfeld wrote that this is “the chance for kids to develop a behavioural conscience. What they see is that their actions have pushed Mom past a reasonable point. They will read past the content to the deeper meaning – there will be consequences for those actions.”
Reflecting on that more, I am beginning to see her point. Remember my 4-year-old rebel? Should I go out on a limb and try this out?
Have you ever wanted to tear your hear out in frustration because your kids will not sit still or pose properly for pictures? While I do know that a lot of children like the flash of the camera, I have also had my fair share of frustrating moments when the pictures just don’t come out right. I am pretty sure you know what I mean…you think you’ve got the perfect shot and then the toddler suddenly looks away, distracted by some shiny thing.
Of course, we can’t always have a “set up” shot all the time – after all, sometimes, the best photos are those that are candidly taken. Then again, sometimes, you just want really good photos wherein the kids’ faces are recognizable and not some indistinguishable blur. Over the years, I have learned – through trial and error – some tricks that help me get decent, sometimes perfect, pictures. With only a few days left before Christmas, you might find these tips very useful – I know I will!
1. Get as close as you can. One of my mistakes before was to try and use a “wide angle approach.” The rationale behind this is to get as much of the scenery into the picture. After all, we all work hard to get the decorations in place – they should be in the picture! Then again, what do you really want? At the end of the day, it’s the expression on your child’s face that you want to capture. Once I had realized this, I learned to get as close as I can and take the shot with the kids’ face as the primary subject. You’ll be surprised at just how beautiful close up pictures can be!
2. Get down on your knees. It’s actually a direct corollary of the first tip. In trying to get as close as you can, you would almost always have to drop to your knees to be at the same level as your child. More than the actual shot itself, getting down on your knees seems to have this effect on children – they will focus more on you and you’ll end up with the children looking directly at the camera.
3. Be trigger happy! Digital cameras are a blessing – I don’t know what I would do without mine. Just keep your finger on the trigger and always be ready to take a shot when the opportunity arises. When children are having fun, running around, and interacting with each other, you will certainly get a lot of chances to take photos that will capture the memories of the day.
4. Smile yourself. If you are too uptight about getting nice pictures to preserve memories, then you’ll probably end up with unsatisfying shots. Don’t sweat it – let the kids enjoy themselves and let yourself loosen up as well. Before you know it, you will be snapping picture perfect moments left and right!
Oh, and before I forget, make sure your batteries are fully charged and you have enough memory space all the time!
I’ve happily been in a Christmas reverie all week, finishing up our decorating, the shopping, and planning out fun activities for the coming weeks, when I was jolted back into Doctor-Mom-Reality last night. My four-year-old O had just finished at the potty, and as I was about to flush, I saw a horrible horrible thing – a nasty long white worm, almost as thick as a pencil. It was awful. O had been complaining of tummy aches (or “tummy eggs” as calls it), and didn’t want to finish his food lately, but I had attributed it to simple childhood grumbles. Poor O had probably had this nasty worm for some time now, given its size, and I had no idea!
After the whole family had a good look at the worm (gross, but a good deterrent so everybody keeps clean!), I rang Dr.J our pedia, who prescribed Mebendazole to be taken now then repeated in two weeks. She advised us to keep clean and to watch out for any more worms, so I decided to keep him home from Kindergarten for the next couple of days. Apparently it was caught from playing in the garden or at the park, probably from soil that he touched and transmitted through his mouth. Or it could have been through his feet. What I find most distressing is that the slimy devil had been feeding on my little boy’s nutrients for a while now – not great since he is already so skinny. After the course of medicine, thankfully no more worms appeared, nor did my other kids get infected. Phew.
If you’ve never had a child who’s infected with worms (this particular one was a round worm), I would be aware of these symptoms, all of which my little boy had for a couple of weeks before the worm actually came out:
1. Frequent complaints of tummy aches
2. Disturbed sleep (O came to our room every night because he couldn’t sleep)
3. Loss of appetite – feeling full after just a few bites.
For more on worms, do visit these sites:
Worms in Children
Is Your Sandbox Safe From Roundworm?
If you have pets in your household like we do, and think it could be related, read this from Dr.Greene.
And lastly, PREVENTION is key. After the worm incident, my kids now meekly obey when I remind them to wear shoes in the garden, wash their hands rigorously and keep their fingers away from their mouths. Here’s a great lesson plan and activity you can do with your kids to teach them about worms. I’ll never forget my poor son’s face when I showed him this awful photo of roundworms in the gut. He was silent for a while then said, “Mom, am I going to die?” Awww, kids!
