Mums are always on the lookout for ways to save in these hard times, and that is totally understandable – even admirable. More than looking for ways to make some savings, however, it is also important that we ensure that we are not sacrificing anything in the quality department. Fortunately, there are a LOT of ways to do that. I am pretty sure that you already have your own stash of “secrets” but there might be more out there that you and I haven’t thought of.
Author Elen Lewis has come out with a book titled “The Resourceful Mum’s Handbook” and I think it is pretty interesting, especially in the times that we live in. I know every mother is supposed to be resourceful – that’s part of the job, isn’t it? – but we can always use a helping hand in the realm of imagination. The context of the book is geared more towards a British audience but it seems to me that the concepts contained can be applied practically anywhere in the world.
Elen Lewis opens the book with a rough estimate of how much it costs to raise a child from birth to the time he or she is 21 years old. Now, of course that is assuming that at age 21, your child will be able to stand on his or her own and NOT depend on you to exist. With figures such as £194,000, one can easily see just how financially crippling raising a child can be; that is, if you do not exercise sound parenting habits. One would think that in this day and age, there is no choice but to be a frugal parent; you just might be surprised at how some people do not seem to grasp that concept, though.
With this book, it seems to me that age old concepts are being brought forth anew. The concepts may seem familiar – that’s because they are not all novel ideas – although the context is pleasantly modern. Learn how to be more discerning when it comes to advertising (clothing, food, toys, etc.) and discover tips and tricks that you can use on a daily basis as you nurture your children and guide them into become self-sufficient adults.
I think that whether or not you already have a kid, this book might come in handy. And just in case you think you know it all (you may even really know a LOT), the book is worth it if just to make you laugh. Did I mention that the author has a pretty good sense of humor?
From the get go, Barack Obama made it known just how important his family is to him. Despite being the busy guy that he is, he always makes it a point to set aside time and resources for his wife and two girls. It looks to me that he is quite successful at what he is doing.
Recently, he was interviewed by Essence Magazine, and he talked at length about his stand on parent involvement in regard to raising children. Let me share with you some of the points that struck me the most.
Regulate TV time. So what does the first couple do? The president says that the girls are not allowed to watch TV during school nights. Instead, they have to do their homework first – as soon as they get home actually. When dinner time comes around and they’re still not done, then they continue after. Naturally, this requires diligence AND patience on everyone’s part. I understand this, though, as my parents did the same thing with us, and I’d like to think it worked out pretty well!
Set educational expectations. I think this is one thing that many parents need to work on. We have to draw the line regarding what is expected of the children and what we can do to help them. I have heard about (and seen) so many parents take on the school workload of their children just so things can get done. I can also recount a lot of stories about parents who set very high (often unrealistic) expectations. The trick is in finding the correct balance between giving the child responsibility AND supporting him when necessary. Unfortunately, this is a gray area. Who is to say what the balance is? Here’s a rough guide, according to the President: children must take responsibility for waking up and getting to school on time. They also must take responsibility for routine homework. When it comes to extra projects and other non-routine tasks, perhaps parents can lend a helping hand.
Communicate. This is a way of monitoring how your child is getting along in school. You need to make it a habit to spend time with your child regularly, if only to talk about mundane things. Even better, make it a point to set goals with your child, and then celebrate milestones together.
Isn’t that just a wonderful thing to hear from someone of such stature?
Faith – together with all its derivatives – is not an easy word. For some people, faith is all about spirituality and religion. For others, it can have a more secular meaning. Whether you lean towards the former or the latter, you might want to dwell on the idea of faithful parenting a bit. I guess I am in a reflective mood at the moment, and I am mulling over whether or not I am being a faithful parent.
So what does being a faithful parent mean exactly? The whole idea came to me when I was reading an article at the Merced Sun Star. Admittedly, the article’s slant is quite spiritual (or religious; call it what you will). It does pose some interesting questions, though. The Rev. Jennifer Goto writes:
All of us are trying to be faithful parents.
We strive to have faith in our own instincts and our abilities to care for the most precious people in our lives.
We hold on to the faith that our children will have their own abilities to overcome the mistakes we make and the obstacles they will face in life.
We attempt to be faithful to what we know is right, to the truths we hold dear and want to pass on to our children.
How true is that? Indeed, being a parent is the best job in the world, yet at the same time, it can be quite scary. For so many years, you are responsible for the life of another person. Not only do you have to provide for them, to meet their physical needs, but you also have to ensure that they grow up to be responsible and independent adults.
I know that you wish only the best for your children – just like any other parent. You want your children to imbibe values that will last them a lifetime. Yet we can only do so much as parents. We can teach our children everything we know – and maybe go even further by learning new things ourselves – and yet at the end of the day, there are certain things out of our control.
Our children will grow up and learn things for themselves, do things on their own. We can only have faith that we do a good job and that our children will remember the lessons that we seek to impart to them. That’s faithful parenting. Trusting that we raise our children right and that they will hold on to what they’ve learned. After that, everything is up in the air.
Are you being a faithful parent? I would like to think that I am.
A friend of mine, who is a relatively new mom, was telling me about her 5-month old baby the other day. Naturally, she had all those delightful tales about how adorable her baby is, but she also had the not-so-pleasant stories. One of those was the fact that her baby does not really sleep well at night, especially if she does not sleep beside him. As many more seasoned moms would know, babies generally are ready to sleep for about 4 or 5 hours straight at night when they reach 4 months or so. The trick is in helping or teaching the baby to do it on his/her own. This is what I shared with my friend.
Establish a routine and make sure you follow it. Man is a creature of habit, and babies are no different! At this point, you have to help your baby get used to certain “rituals” at night that will make it easier for him to fall asleep. The tried and tested trick for me is to get the atmosphere right about 20 to 30 minutes before bedtime. Give baby a soothing bath. Turn the lights down (or off, if that works for the baby). Play soft music. Tell a story. Make soothing sounds. These things combined send a signal that it is time for beddybye land. The story telling and soothing sounds really help – your baby relishes the sound of your voice more than you would know. Of course, in the beginning, your baby will still make a fuss and not fall asleep easily. After a week or so of constant practice, though, things should settle down.
Avoid coddling the baby. This is something that is quite hard for some parents to do, especially those who are first-timers. The moment the baby makes a sound, you might be tempted to pick him up immediately. I have learned to do otherwise. Instead of immediately reassuring the baby, wait and see first. For some infants, this kind of response will actually make them stop crying on their own. If this is the case for your baby, then it is a good sign that you can actually “ignore” his cries every now and then, especially if it is time for bed. He may only be seeking for attention and some coddling, which can be ignored when trying to teach him to fall asleep on his own. Of course, you have to observe how this kind of reaction affects your baby.
Expert moms, how did you teach your baby to fall asleep alone?
The world is scary. There is no denying that. As parents, it is quite common to feel the need to shield our children from the horrors of the world. We want to shelter them from the bad elements that are out there. On the other hand, as adults, we also know that one day, they are going to have to face the reality of what goes on outside of our loving home.
Even right now, with the ease of getting information, it is hard to keep our children totally sheltered. Take what happened in Haiti. No parent would want to talk about the difficult time that the people of Haiti (adults and children alike) are going through right now. Then again, our children are bound to find out on their own. More so, this can actually be an opportunity to impart some values to our children. But how do you go about it?
One thing that I consider very important is the age of the child. While I would like my children to know about what goes on in the world, I also think that they have to be a certain age to understand reality. One need not explain human suffering to a 4-year-old! I think that about 7 years old is just about right. At this age, they have a more mature way of understanding things and with the right kind of explanation, they will be able to handle difficult topics better. Of course, there are no absolutes here. You’d have to judge your child’s capabilities on your own.
Another important consideration is to reassure your children that whatever is happening to others right now is NOT happening to them nor is it going to happen to them. That second bit is close to not telling the truth, I know. After all, no one knows what will happen tomorrow! Then again, there is no need to frighten the children more than they probably are. At a riper age, they will certainly find out that the future is as uncertain as can be. For now, they need to hold on to the idea that they are safe and that their parents (us!) are here for them.
Emphasize certain values that you would like your children to learn. Going back to the Haiti issue. You may be far away but this is a great chance to teach the kids to give to others and help. You may not be able to hold a big fundraiser or a similar activity but you can donate as a family to the Red Cross. Little things like these are remembered by children and will stick with them through their adult lives.
Any tips that you might want to share?
I remember the days when the television was NOT the first option to keep children occupied. Back then, there were so many things that children could do in their spare time and not bother mommy or daddy. Today, it is sad to say that many parents (and even nannies) turn to the black box to keep the children quiet and behaved. Now I am not saying that the TV is all bad. We do have a lot of good shows for children, and with DVDs being the norm, we have even more choices on hand.
Still, I am a firm believer in engaging children in other activities and not letting the TV run their lives. While I find the TV useful and entertaining, I also think that children should be exposed to many other activities. There is a whole world of ideas and values to be learned in so many other ways, don’t you think? So, here’s a list of my alternatives to watching TV.
Stickers! There is no doubt about it – children LOVE stickers. Both boys and girls have this thing for stickers so you really should stock up on them. There are a lot of stickers that you can buy in bookstores – whenever you see some that you think your children would like, just grab a bunch. Also make sure that you have a blank notebook where your children could put the stickers. Otherwise, you might end up with stickers on the walls, on the furniture, and even the fish tank! To encourage creativity, tell your children to make up their own story with the stickers. Another idea is to buy sticker books. They have all sorts of themes – dinosaurs, gadgets, and more. Choose the ones that will interest your children and bring the books out when necessary.
Match colors…sock colors, that it. With several children in the house, I have tons of socks to pair up after washing. Instead of doing it myself, I can actually enlist the kids’ help. Toddlers who know the basic colors are excellent helpers. Just ask them to pick out matching pairs and put them together. Older kids will even be able to wrap or bind them up together. That’s killing two birds with one stone, don’t you think?
Audio books! I love to read and I love listening to audio books. I think my children should have the same passion as well. With any mp3 player, they can listen to all the stories they want. It’s better than TV because listening to stories can help sharpen their imagination as well as their comprehension skills.
So what’s on your list of activities?
Feeling stressed? Parents are no strangers to stress. We breathe it. We live it. But have you noticed that our children can get stressed, too? There’s school. There’s peer pressure. Then there’s the visit to the dentist or the doctor. There are so many things that can get to our kids.
I remember my boy when he was younger. He used to get frustrated easily when it came to his toys. He would try to do something and when it didn’t work out the way he wanted to, when he wanted it to, he would start making growling sounds. Sometimes, he would even end up throwing toys around.
What do you do when these things happen? Do you just let your child handle it alone and consider it a learning experience? Personally, I think that parents should step in and talk their children through stressful periods. Here are some ideas which can help.
Talk your child through it. When you know that something is stressing your child out, approach him/her and try to get him/her talking. Stress is always triggered by some issue, and the sooner you get to the bottom of that issue, the more you can deal with the stress. You can also help your child deal with his/her mental condition. Teach him/her to say positive phrases in his/her mind and repeat them over and over again. Examples would be “Calm down,” or “I can handle this.” Whatever phrase you think will work for your child, emphasize that.
Teach your child breathing techniques. These work for adults, why not for children, too? When I was going through a particularly stressful episode, a yogi friend taught me a couple of breathing techniques. The simplest – and yet quite effective – one is to just take deep and long breaths. You just need to focus and do it slowly. You also have to count (at least up to 3) while inhaling and exhaling. After several repetitions, you feel yourself calming down. A twist to this is to inhale through your mouth with your tongue twisted (this may not be possible for those who are not genetically able to twist their tongues). The idea is that the air going in is cooled, by the tongue; and this supposedly has a more calming effect. I have been doing this a lot and it helps!
Make a “stress box” with your child. Get an old shoe box (or if you want, buy one of those nice storage boxes from the mall) and fill it up with little things that make your child happy. Stress balls, Play-Doh, a coloring book – whatever calms your child down. Make it a point to always go to the stress box when your child starts getting stressed. Pretty soon, he/she will be going to it on his/her own.
Any other ideas on how to teach your child to handle stress?
This is probably going to be a controversial post. We all have our beliefs as to sexual orientation and it was not long ago when that hullaballoo about same sex marriage in California hit the headlines. With all the focus on same sex marriage, have you ever thought about same sex parents/parenting?
The reason for this post is the article “Same-sex couples can be effective parents, researchers find,” which I read over at USA Today. The bottom line is this:
Children raised by same-sex couples appear to do as well as those raised by parents of both sexes, suggests an international research review that challenges the long-ingrained belief that children need male and female parents for healthy adjustment.
“It’s more about the quality of the parenting than the gender of the parents,” says Judith Stacey of New York University, co-author of the comprehensive review. It will be published Friday in the Journal of Marriage and Family.
Naturally, I had to look into the details. What did they measure effective parenting by? Apparently, they took a look at things such as self-esteem, social adjustment, performance in school, and so on. I cannot argue that these things are universally regarded as important by parents, can you?
Experts say that what counts is the quality of the parents rather than the gender. It reminded me of the forever present argument when it comes to the corporate world. It used to be that men got better jobs and higher pay in spite of the fact that there are women who are just as qualified as they are. (Maybe this is still happening, I am not so sure.) The perennial argument is that the gender does not matter.
Maybe I am a bit traditional in this sense as I cannot help but think about the need of children for a father figure. This could be because I grew up with the males in my family on a pedestal. This could also be because I want my children to grow up with the father figuring prominently in their lives.
Still, we cannot discount the fact that there are children being raised today without a (traditional) father and a (traditional) mother, and studies show that they are doing just fine. I suppose that it doesn’t work for (or sit well with) everyone, and it really is the quality that will matter at the end of the day.
What’s going through your mind?
I can already hear (and see) you reacting quite strongly to that question. It’s a no brainer right? Any parent knows that while children are precious, there are just times when they will make one’s blood pressure shoot up like a rocket crazy to go to outer space. I know this, and you know this; so what’s up with question that I am posing?
Earlier, I stumbled upon a very interesting study about how people actually benefit from being parents – in terms of lower blood pressure. Just like you probably, the first thought that entered my mind was: that’s a load of crock. Then again, when I read more, it seemed to make some sense.
In a nutshell, the study’s results bank on the fact that having children give us a more meaningful life and a sense of purpose. Even if you take children out of the equation, it is easy to understand how the simple idea of having a bigger perspective, a sense of purpose, can be beneficial to an individual.
Think about it, when you face some really stressful situation at work, does coming home to your children help you de-stress? Even the mere thought of going home to your babies makes a difference, right? Or let’s say you don’t work – that doesn’t mean you’re immune to the stresses of life. Having a kid, according to the study, helps you deal better with these things.
Some details about the study:
The conclusion comes from a study of 198 adults who were fitted with portable blood pressure monitors for 24 hours as they went about their normal lives. Researchers took into account other factors that can influence blood pressure, such as health, age, weight, exercise, employment and drinking history. The effect was stronger among women. Mothers had a 12 and seven-point difference in blood pressure compared with childless women.
Dr Julianne Holt-Lunstad, who led the study at Brigham Young University in Provo, Utah, said: ‘While caring for children may include daily hassles, deriving a sense of meaning and purpose from life’s stress has been shown to be associated with better health outcomes.’ Many parents, who cast an envious eye over the apparently carefree lives of childless couples, may disagree.
You think? I can rattle off a long list of parents who would probably disagree. I think, though, that it really depends on the situation and the point in time. So what do you think – does being a parent reduce or increase blood pressure?
Year in and year out, people get all worked up about making resolutions for the New Year. I have to admit that I am one of them. I just like planning (even if just a little bit) on trying to become a better person. Of course, being a parent is an aspect that I can never ignore, and parenting resolutions are always part of the deal. This year, I have come up with a few resolutions that I would like to give a try. Let me share them with you and let me know what you think.
Have one “distraction-free” day a week. It can even be once a month. The idea is that each member of the family can get to enjoy each other’s company without the usual distractions of TV, video games, computers, and other similar things. Reading together, playing together, preparing meals and eating together – simply communication directly. This should improve relationships between all of us and lessen our dependence on external objects.
Learn to stop being a “fixer.” I have to admit it: I like to fix things and rescue people. I am solution-oriented, and if there is something that is not right, I will immediately do something about it. I guess a lot of parents have the same attitude, especially when it comes to their children. We want to make sure that the children do not have to suffer unnecessarily. We want to do things for our children so that they will have it easy. But you know what? When they get older, they will have to do things on their own. We should help them prepare for that day, and rescuing them all the time is not going to achieve that. Next year, I want to reign myself in in terms of being the rescuer of my kids. That’s not to say that I will stop doing things for them – I am THE mom after all; but my kids will learn to be more independent if I have anything to do with it.
Encourage a healthier lifestyle. From healthier eating to more physical activities – these are things that some children are missing out. We haven’t had too many issues in this regard, but I want to pay more attention to living a healthy lifestyle. Next year, I want my children to experience this lifestyle more in the hopes that they will carry it all throughout their adulthood.
What are your parenting resolutions for 2010?
