Dealing With Your Child’s Anxiety Problems
If your child has anxiety problems, what are you supposed to do? As a parent, your instinct may tell you to shelter him or her from whatever it is that is causing the anxiety. That is what I would do. But is it the right thing to do?
According to Bruce Hirsch, a counselor at the Frostig Center in Pasadena, CA, the first step in dealing with a child with anxiety problems is to go slowly. He notes:
The first thing I do, especially with an anxious child, is to go very slowly. Because if you immediately focus on their anxiety, you’re going to make the child more anxious. I try to create a very non-threatening environment. If they don’t want to talk much, that’s okay. They may want to do a little drawing instead, or play a game. Then I usually test the waters because all kids are different. I might say, “Gee, Mom and Dad said that you have a lot of trouble falling asleep at night, what do you think about that?” If the child withdraws at that point, I don’t push. Other kids may be relieved that someone’s finally addressing the anxiety so that they can talk about what’s going on.
I totally agree with this approach. What I said in the beginning of this post – sheltering the child – may not be the best wording possible but the idea is the same. At the outset, support and acceptance is what a child with anxiety needs.
What is your take?
April 26, 2008 at 10:20 pm
I believe that anxious children, just like anxious adults, need support and acceptance, however, there is definitely a danger of parents enabling or exacerbating anxiety by reinforcing it.
If for example, a child has school phobia, is afraid or hesitant to go to school, and the parent allows the the child to stay home, that strengthens the anxiety and fear of school. A similar dynamic can occur if a child has social fears or fears of sleeping alone. If a child begins to express fear of the dark and you allow them to come sleep with you one night, they are going to want to sleep with you every night! Better to get them a night light, discuss their fears with them, and put other plans in place to dispel their anxiety. I have seen this happen time and time again.
However, pushing a child and failing to understand the anxiety, or punishing the child can also exacerbate the anxiety. I have seen parents who don’t understand a child’s social anxiety become embarrassed and angry with the child in those situations. That is not helpful either. Every child is different, but parents must strike a balance between compassion and understanding their child disorder and enabling it. In working with anxiety I always explain this dynamic to kids too. It is important to acknowledge and understand a child’s anxiety, but also to reassure them at the onset that they can conquer the anxiety.
April 27, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Good point - finding that balance could be quite difficult, however. Do you have any ideas on how to determine which way to go, so to speak?