To Spank Or Not To Spank?
For as long as anyone can remember, disciplining children has been a hot parenting topic. I think that we can all agree that we need to instill discipline and values in our children. The question lies in the method. How do we discipline our children? What is the right way? Is there even a right and wrong way?
For some, the Biblical principles of not sparing the rod apply. I have to admit that I see value in this principle. It has been tried and tested over the ages, and as long as certain guidelines are followed, it is quite effective in showing children that actions have consequences, and that they will have to face those consequences.
Spanking, however, has its detractors. Indeed, recent studies have shown that spanking just might prove to be harmful under certain circumstances. An article published in Pediatrics (the official journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics) earlier this week states that spanking young children might increase their risk for aggressive behavior in their later years. Here are the official results of the study:
Frequent use of CP (ie, mother’s use of spanking more than twice in the previous month) when the child was 3 years of age was associated with increased risk for higher levels of child aggression when the child was 5 years of age (adjusted odds ratio: 1.49 [95% confidence interval: 1.2–1.8]; P < .0001), even with controlling for the child's level of aggression at age 3 and the aforementioned potential confounding factors and key demographic features.
Bottom line: the study provides huge support to the followers of the no spanking principle.
My question is this: should we throw away the idea of spanking because of the study?
We are all still entitled to our own opinions. I am sure that there are those of you who are nodding their heads right now, agreeing with the study. I have to say, however, that I do not think that we should do away with spanking. It has a purpose, and done the right way, teaches children a lot of things.
I believe that in order for spanking to serve its purpose, we have to take note of these things:
1. There should be no sense of anger involved. We are disciplining our children to teach them a lesson, not to vent.
2. The child being disciplined should understand why he is being spanked. This is another reason parents should not spank their kids when they’re angry. The idea of cause and effect, actions and consequences, should be explained to the child being disciplined.
3. The parent should not fail to show the child being disciplined that he/she is loved despite the fact that he is being spanked. Again, this is part of the whole process. The child should understand that he is being taught a lesson, not in anger or hatred, but because it is part of growing up.
That’s my take on the spanking issue. What about you?
15 Responses
Post a Comment
You must be logged in to post a comment.
April 19th, 2010 at 12:56 pm
Having raised 4 children to successful adulthood without ever hitting them, I am obviously opposed to the practice. And let’s call a spade a spade. “Spanking” sounds benign. It is actually hitting, whippping, or striking another person MUCH smaller than you, without their ability to get away. It teaches bullying, which it is. The behaviors that we model are more important than those we talk about. And hitting someone smaller and more helpless than you is a low form of behavior.
The idea that you would hit a child with a cool head is even worse that when you are angry. It teaches the child that you have cooled off and DECIDED to hit him or her. The only spanking which does no harm is the hilarious kind, where the parent is “mock” mad, and the child knows the parent isn’t serious while chasing them around the house, mostly missing the target, which empowers the child, letting him or her know in a somewhat playful manner than he has the power to escape bad situations.
Your goal as a parent is to have the sense to avoid situations where you child misbehaves, and to redirect that misbehavior postitively. When very young, this means removing the child from the immediate activity, or distracting him or her to good behavior. If a little one is running into the street, for example. Hold his hand tightly, make it a hard and fast rule with lots of reminders that his “job” is to hold your hand, skirst or pants and NEVER let go, when in public and you have several little ones to manage. Later, take a carton of eggs, sit on the curb with your child, look both ways (both of you), then put the egg in the street to be pulverized by the next car. You could use a toy or doll, but eggs are “alive”, and believe me, your child will get the message. Little kids who wiggle and run and hit and bite just need more exercise, A LOT more fresh air and exercise, running, working (to the small extent they can be or feel useful), practing cartwheels, etc. Its your job as a parent to give your child self control over time. Our prisons are full of people with NO self control. Self control, a tiny bit at a time, and increasing as they grow older is the GIFT a good parent gives his child.
April 20th, 2010 at 10:05 am
Teaches discipline for children must not only be done through words. The most important is the practice done by parents. Usually children tend to follow their parents. If parents can exercise self-discipline properly, without violence then any child will follow.
Using violence as an undisciplined child will only make kids rebel. Looking for ways to punish an educational course will be much better.
It’s nice to read your blog…
April 20th, 2010 at 3:15 pm
Difference between discipline and punishment
What’s the difference between discipline and punishment? One supports dignity and the other intentionally destroys it. Is it not surprising then, that punishment doesn’t have a very good success rate?
The majority of parents are not consciously aware of their core values, which is the driving force behind the need to change someone’s behaviour. Unfortunately, most societies don’t acknowledge let alone teach conscious core values.
To find a core value that you believe, you would ask yourself, what would I NOT change about myself. Then you would have to try to put the idea into a brief and very specific statement. Actually this is very difficult to do.
An example would be, a parent is at WalMart and her daughter spots a Bratz doll that she falls in love with. She asks her parent to buy it for her but the parent doesn’t have the money let alone the desire to buy this type of toy for her daughter. When the daughter is told that she can’t have it, the daughter starts to whine shrilly and then starts begging dramatically. The parent stops walking down the toy aisle and tells her daughter to stop having a hissy-fit. The child becomes even more agitated.
If the parent were to have a core value of dignity, her child has just violated this value. What are some of the things that would need to be done to honour the parent’s core value?
The child would need to be warned that if she doesn’t stop behaving without dignity then the child would be taken home immediately. If the child continues, the parent guides the child, whether taking the child’s arm and propelling her towards the exit and the vehicle, or having the child follow the parent out. Even if the child now realizes that she has lost the battle, the parent still needs to honour the loss of dignity. The child has lost the privilege of being in public and will need to wait until another time before she can try it again.
If the parent were to change her mind and agree to let the child stay as long as the child behaves with dignity, then the child is learning that dignity is more important than trying to hassle someone in public using dramatic hissy-fits. If the daughter were to try it again within minutes, the parent will have to honour her core value and take her child home immediately.
The question that the parent will need to ask herself when she feels violated by her child, is did my child violate my core value of dignity? The parent will need to honour her feelings and validate them by acting with dignity instead of anger to change the behaviour of her child.
The discipline of taking the child home immediately, is a strong message that the child will learn quickly. The child loses the privilege of being at WalMart, she is taken home where she has no further contact with the public and she now has lost the opportunity to have the toy that she was coveted.
This discipline also reflects a natural consequence of losing dignity. When the child chose to have her hissy-fit and refused to take note of the importance, she forfeited her privilege of being in a public place where dignity is important.
So, the parent values dignity in a public place, parent honours this value, the natural consequences are time-out from the public until the child can maintain her dignity. It sounds simple but when actually in practice it becomes very difficult because of the lack of conscious awareness about core values that we act upon predictably.
April 20th, 2010 at 11:14 pm
man this is a touchey subject.
thanks for talking out it.
April 22nd, 2010 at 5:45 pm
This is a very touchy subject, but it’s important conversation. I myself was spanked (not all the time or anything) and as an adult I can look back and say I’m no worse for it, but I don’t think I’m better of it. And now as a mom myself I have to say I don’t believe in spanking. I think that it truly begets more aggression (as the study shows) in the child and the only thing that it accomplishes is making your child feel intimidated and powerless. I don’t like those as tools for child rearing myself.
April 23rd, 2010 at 5:13 am
I was spanked on occasion by my parents and grew up with out any violence or anger issues. This is as good of an argument for spanking as the one that raising kids that turned out OK without spanking them is for not spanking.
I believe there are different types of discipline that are required for different situations. There are also different types of discipline that work well for different children. I don’t think that spanking is the right choice in most situations, but I do think there are times when it is the right choice. My wife and I decided to slap our sons hand when he was quite young when he did something that could put him in danger of being hurt more seriously. He was to young to understand by talking to him and there had to be a consequence to his action that was felt immediately in order for him to relate it to the dangerous action.
If you do a statistical analysis of most studies that point to spanking leading to violence you will find that there are also a lot of other factors to consider in the studies that usually aren’t quoted.
April 25th, 2010 at 12:42 pm
Yup – this is indeed a very touchy subject; and probably one that not everyone will find a consensus about. I do like the idea that spanking may be effective for some, while it may not be for others. Also, I agree that the bottom line is in defining and upholding your core values. Thanks for the input, everyone!
May 1st, 2010 at 9:45 pm
I think Jordan’s comment above makes a few very good points. Different types of discipline are needed for different situations and what works for one child may have little or no effect on another child. When a child is too young to understand talking, there are times you need to get their attention immediately for dangerous behavior or really unacceptable behavior and nothing short of a smack will dirert their attention.
May 4th, 2010 at 2:46 am
Spanking, abusive words, punishment: all of it is part of an ill-conceived short-term solution for “discipline” which is could be properly be replaced by communication. I suggest reading “Parent Effectiveness Training” by Dr. Gordon.
May 6th, 2010 at 3:12 am
I have read the original post and all of the comments. I am the father of two, brother of eight, uncle of fourteen. Big family; lots of approaches to discipline. I want my children to do the right thing because they understand it is right, not because they fear consequences or punishment/discipline. Since our children were toddlers, my wife and I have worked very hard to explain (in simple terms) why one action is acceptable, while another is not. Let’s face it, we all have some mechanism within us that tells us when we are doing something that is “against” the rules. By spanking our children, we are undoubtedly revealing that we do not possess the creativity or discipline to come up with a non-violent solution to our child’s behavior.
And while we are on the subject, I believe we should be directing our children in the positive whenever possible. Instead of saying, “don’t do that, you can’t have that, stop doing that…” our children should hear, “if you do this, then you can have that, when you finish this, you can do that, etc.” How sick and tired do we get of our friends, family, and co-workers when they speak to us in negative terms, why should our kids like it any better.
Thanks – Superdad
May 12th, 2010 at 2:03 pm
On your cause and effect point – What you’re saying to the child is ‘You shouldn’t do this, because if you do, you’ll get spanked.’
How useful is this to the kid? Say your child stole something and you spank them. To their mind, the cause and effect here is – ‘those who steal get spanked’. They’re not learning WHY it’s wrong to steal, only that they’ll get hit if they do. Surely a better lesson would be to take their favourite toy from them for an couple of hours. This way they see that it’s not nice to take what isn’t yours.
May 17th, 2010 at 11:36 am
I often wondered if a parents anger in connection with discipline is what further adds fuel to the fire all along. To me, getting angry at the situation just sends the wrong messages. I had teachers who disciplined their students in such a way that I thought as parents they were probably amazing. I envy any and all who go through this. This is one of the reasons I do not want to have children, I would be afraid of doing the wrong things.
May 18th, 2010 at 1:32 am
I expected to be a “spanker.” I occasionally spanked my first child, but it didn’t seem to work so I stopped. I haven’t spanked my second child at all. I don’t have a definitive answer, but I don’t see myself ever spanking again.
May 18th, 2010 at 5:31 pm
Thank you for your post on Spanking. Disciplining children is a difficult task for any parent. At Parentology, when we apply our parenting philosophy, we focus on the balance of power between the child and the parent. For more on this balance, read here (http://parentologyblog.com/tag/discipline/). To learn more about our parenting philosophy, click here (http://parentologyblog.com/allaboutus/). We’d love your thoughts and feedback!
May 24th, 2010 at 8:57 am
…if you have spanked your child up until now (he is almost three years old) and after reading all these comments, you decide you want to stop. Is it too late?