One of the best things I can recommend to each and every Mom out there, is to get a few days of “de-Momming” every year, away from the children, away from the spouse, and with your best girlfriends. If you havent done it yet, I urge you to to put all guilt aside and trust your kids with their Dad (who honestly will do an OK job, I swear). You’ll emerge not just refreshed but you’ll regain some of your old self too - B.C. (before children).

The day after Christmas, I did just that. It was the first time I ever did it - leave the kids alone with my husband and actually go on a mini-holiday without my young family. I was guilty and kind of nervous when I got on the plane, and when I got to the island, I was actually still wondering what the hell I was doing, leaving the 3 people who I loved most.

I met up with my two best girlfriends from high school, both of whom live miles away from each other, and from me. If we’re lucky, we get to see each other once a year, and not for very long, so five days together were a rare pleasure indeed.

On the first night there, one of the girls sweetly treated me to the spa for the best two-hour deep tissue massage I have had in my life. I dont know if it was the therapist’s expert hands, the sublime rose petal bath afterwards, or the open-air treatment villa we were in, but I was more relaxed than I had been in a very long time. After the spa, we met up with friends at beach bar and sipped “sea breezes”, chatting until the wee hours.

The rest of the trip took the same trend - sunning, swimming, listening to music, eating (lots of seafood!), drinking cocktails (not quite the same amounts as my B.C. days, but still a great deal more than usual!), shopping at the beach boutiques and chatting, chatting and more chatting. It was heaven!

Yes, it was admittedly a bit strange at first to switch off from Mommy-mode, not having to think about what the kids were doing, what they were eating next, or what I could do to keep them busy without having to resort to the DVD player (and you could say the same train of thought applied to my hubby). In fact, there wasn’t much thinking at all, which was just perfect.

So five days later (I extended a day, fully supported by my hubby - aren’t I lucky?), I returned home, tired from the plane and car journey, but feeling absolutely great. I discovered that sometimes our old selves tend to get lost in being a Mom, and that a few days on the beach with the girls is all it takes to regain some of it again.

[tags]beach holiday, girls trip[/tags]

We arrived Koh Samui and were happily greeted by Lola and Poppa Joe (my Mother and step-dad who had moved to the island last April). My four-year old N was thrilled (as she adores her Grandma) as was the little O, who unfortunately by now had a fever which spiked to a ghastly 39 degrees.

We checked into the Banana Fan Sea Resort in Chaweng beach, which was the main beach and tourist area of the island, which suited us well, as it was also the most child-friendly. Our “hut” for the next two weeks was wonderful, right on the beach with our own little terrace, and a tiny garden enclosed by a wooden gate - perfect for deterring my darlings from running straight to the beach. Aside from a pool area which stocked a good supply of water games equipment, and a little tykes playground on the beach, the hotel had a kids menu, crayons, and fantastic themed buffets nightly where the kids ate free. Add a very reasonable and friendly baby-sitting service and we were set up. It was perfect!!

As luck would have it, we had also arrived right on time for Loy Krathong, one of the biggest and most beautiful festivals in Thailand. On this night of the full moon, pretty little rafts made from banana tree trunks are filled with flowers, candles, incense and banana leaves are set afloat in rivers all over the country. There are contests and fireworks and
in our case, after a traditional show , we all set the rafts afloat in the hotel pool, which you can imagine, thrilled the children to no end. My girl N was actually the last person on the poolside, arranging the floats that had drifted to the edge of the pool and pushing them away again.

The days that preceeded were lazy and in true holiday-mode, except for my little boy’s awful cold, that is. After a few days of a seemingly relentless fever, Lola and I took him to the impressive Bangkok Hospital, where a very good doctor said that his cold had progressed to an ear infection and ordered him to take some antibiotics. Barely two days later O was back to his normal self, and our remaining days at the Banana Hotel (as N called it) were filled with swimming, eating roasted corn and mangoes from the vendor on the beach and when it rained, shopping at Tescos for toys and art supplies, and eating at Svensens ice cream.

[tags]Thailand, holiday, Loy Krathong, Travel with Kids[/tags]

Moving into more inspirational topics, I recently received an email from one of my Mom groups, urging me to look at this short video. It was called “Animal School” from a website called Raising Small Souls.

I watched it and teared. It was truly a beautiful video about a child’s individuality. I urge you to watch it, whether you are a parent or not as I think it applies to us all. As a parent, I am always looking for ways to learn how to be the best parent I can be, and so I eagerly signed up for the website’s newsletter whose message seemed to be more than the usual developmental stuff you see on Baby Center (not that I dont think thats useful too, it is, but its not enough), but it touches on parenting on an emotional level too.

“Raising Small Souls” was created by a mom-of-three, Ellen Braun, and her husband who is a doctor amd principal at a vocational school for at-risk teenagers. Her ideas and notes on parenting accumulated throughout the years and this site, filled with all kinds of useful parenting advice, was born. Another nice thing I noticed was the personal touch her site had, which is not common on the web these days. After I registered for the newsletter, I got an email from Ellen, welcoming me, and saying:

“When you have a free moment, feel free to tell me about your child or children, and the most pressing parenting question on your mind. I will do my best to address your question in an upcoming issue of RaisingSmallSouls’ newsletter.”

She then apologized in advance if she wasnt able to respond right away, which is not surprising, but the whole thought was very nice, I thought. Parenting is a very personal and emotional job, and I await her newsletters with much anticipation.

As Ellen says:

“If I help just one family raise happier and emotionally healthier children, then this site has accomplished its goal,I hope that family is yours.”

How wonderful is that?

[tags]parenting advice, emotional parenting,parenting tips, raising small souls[/tags]

As you’ll easily notice from my last posts, my four-year-old is a handful these days. She shouts at the top of her lungs as often as she can, cannot seem to sit still at home for longer than 5 minutes and will do all that is humanly possible for a preschooler to avoid bedtime - or prolong it at least.

The night before last I found her sleeping on the floor in her bedroom, and last night she asked if she could sleep there again. Is this weird behaviour or normal for someone her age?

Anyway, at a meeting at her school the other day where we Moms were roped in to organizing an entire classroom as Mexico (food, costumes,decor and all-yaaaa!) for UN month, her principal started talking about a new music-based program starting for kids with special needs - like ADHD- and I swear, I just felt she was pointedly looking at ME.

I nodded emphatcally to the Principal, but inside a wave of paranoia swept over me. Did she think my daughter had ADHD? To be honest, I don’t really know what it is exactly. I just hear about it everywhere - on tv, through friends, spoken casually in conversation like its the most normal thing in the world.

When I told my husband my worries, he brushed me off saying our daughter was a normal, energetic kid just like he was. Yes, “normally energetic” is ok, but a label like ADHD on your child is a nerve-racking prospect.

So before any more paranoia sets in, I’m off to google for a bit of educating.

[tags]adhd,parenting,kids,mums,mothers,fathers[/tags]

After my husband read my last post, I was greeted with a somewhat accusing ” Mamma’s boy, huh?” comment, looking pointedly at our son. Now, its put me in the unfair position (and he’s a big “life is unfair darling” advocate), as I seem to get mini-looks of “aha - mama’s boy!”, when our son comes up to me for an extra long cuddle or worse- when I tell our 4-year-old to share her toys with little brother. Oh dear.

Anyway, I’ve decided to do a little more on Fathers, which will include (surprise, honey!)…..Daddy’s Girl.

But first off, with thanks to Wikipedia:

The Definition of Father

A father is traditionally the male parent of a child. Like mothers, fathers may be categorised according to their biological, social or legal relationship with the child.

Historically, the biological relationship paternity has been determinative of fatherhood. However, proof of paternity has been intrinsically problematic and so social rules often determined who would be regarded as a father e.g. the husband of the mother.

This method of the determination of fatherhood has persisted since Roman times in the famous sentence: Mater semper certa; pater est quem nuptiae demonstrant (Mother is always certain; the father is whom the marriage shows).

The historical approach has been destabilised with the recent emergence of accurate scientific testing, particularly DNA testing. As a result, the law on fatherhood is undergoing rapid changes. In the United States, the Uniform Parentage Act essentially defines a father as a man who conceives a child through sexual intercourse.

Here is small selection of divorce books for parents worth checking out at your local bookstore.

1. Child Custody: Building Parenting Agreements that Work
by Mimi E. Lyster

A practical guide for dealing successfully with this touchy issue. Checklists and worksheets make the whole process with its somewhat daunting legal implications a lot simpler to face.

2. Its Not Your Fault Koko Bear
by Vicki Lansky

This is a heartwarming storybook for parents to read together with young children when facing a divorce. Parents with young kids have given this book glowing reviews saying how it helped their child get in touch with and understand their feelings when going through this difficult time. Kids really relate to this one. Highly recommended.

3. Dinosaurs Divorce
by Marc Brown

This time its dinosaurs taking on the emotional turmoil of divorce, but in a way that will engage kids and hopefully have a positive influence with its cheerfull illustrations. Its on the long side (31 pages) and the different chapters tackle issues from “What is Divorce” to “Living in Two Homes”. A good way for parents and children to open up honest dialogue.

4. Difficult Questions Kids Ask And Are Afraid To Ask About Divorce
by Meg F. Schneider

Parents with older kids (after preschool) were reassured with this book and claimed that the questions hit very close to home. The subjects and ages vary though, so an overall good range for parents.

After my last post and my recent uncomfortable experience, I thought it would be useful to know HOW to talk to young kids about divorce. Whether its you and your husband going through one, family members, friends or a movie or tv show, here are some useful tips I found to explain the rather serious matter to little ones:

1. Keep it short and simple - lengthy elaborations can be lost on tots, instead say something like: “A divorce is when two people who are married stop being married. They do this because they aren’t happy living together anymore.”

2. Honesty counts - If the divorce is yours, make sure you tell your child why (”we were fighting too much/making each other sad”) AND always say that it ISNT their fault and thet you’ll both always love them.

3. Talk about it - You need to help the child understand what is going on and dispel as much fears as you can from them by continuing to talk and answer questions when they ask.

4. No blaming - If its happening to you, dont make it seem like your partner was the baddie (even if he was - well, to a point.). Same goes for friends, family and so on. Negative comments can do damage to a child, if that child has a relationship with the person in question.

No, thankfully not mine, but when it happens to people close to you. My daughter sees it on television and I’ve explained it in concept - “when mommies and daddies can’t get along… are fighting too much, and wont live together anymore…” etc etc..

But what I find harder is when a new person comes into the scene. Later today, my Mother is coming to visit us with her new “friend”. In her 50’s, she’s decided to leave her husband of 15 years (my stepdad, whose also been married 3 times before), because she says that for the first time ever, this new guy is making her feel things she never felt before.

Without wanting to be the judgemental, moralistic daughter (okay, so I am a bit), I cant help but feel VERY uncomfortable about the whole affair. Things arent really tied up with my Stepdad yet, and yet here comes my children’s Grandmother, passing by for coffee en route to the resort down the road where they’ll be spending the weekend - like its the most normal thing in the world!

I tried to explain to my daughter who this person her Grandma was coming with - a friend who was a doctor and that they were going to the resort to meditate and do yoga (something my Mother is passionate about and her ex-to-be wasnt, but this guy is - get it now?). She took it with a grain of salt, but I do wonder what will go through her 4-year old- mind when they arrive later.

Every evening after the children have gone to bed, I like to brew myself a nice soothing cup of tea - honey vanilla chamomile to be precise. Not only is it a delicious de-stresser after a hectic (meaning ordinary) day with my two rugrats, but inspirational too as I was about to discover.

While I waited for the tea to steep, I mindlessly looked at the tea’s packaging, and to my surprise found a lovely inspirational tidbit which actually made my throat rather lumpy. And more importantly offered some very good advice.

Ok, I plea guilty to being a sentimentalist. But I am a Mother, and as all you Moms out there know, anything that even slightly tugs at your heart’s overwhelming love for your children (yes, even the sappiest TV commercials) will get those Mom-emotions going - which should lead you straight to hugging your kids very tightly indeed. Just as I did.

Here it is:

If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again

“If I had my child to raise all over again, I’d fingerpaint more and point the finger less.

I’d do less correcting, and more connecting.

I’d take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.

I would care to know less, and know to care more.

I’d take more hikes and fly more kites.

I’d stop playing serious, and seriously play.

I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.

I’d do more hugging, and less tugging.

I would be firm less often, and affirm much more.

I’d build self-esteem first, and the house later.

I’d teach less about the love of power
And more about the power of love”

Diane Loomans, From Full Esteem Ahead