Well, if you were to ask author John Cheetham, parents are not necessarily “grown up.” This author from Melbourne has a new book called “Grow Up! How to raise an adult by being one yourself” and in it, he challenges parents to quit behaving like overgrown children and start acting their age. I don’t have a copy of the book as of yet but the information presented in News.com.au has gotten my interest. Here’s a sampling:

He says parents should stop drinking, smoking, swearing and losing their temper – particularly when driving. He thinks parents are too over-emotional, too over-protective and over-react to their teens’ faults. “The most important thing is to remember the power of example,” Dr Cheetham said. “Parents need to be in tune with their emotions – it’s not what you say, it’s what you do. And this means not having an episode of road rage on the way to taking your son to get his learners.”

If you think about it, this is an age old principle. Walk the talk and so on. I suppose, though, that in this day and age of indulgence, we can always use a reminder like this book. Now here is my question: Are you a grown up parent?

Are you a good listener? I actually find it amusing that I got the idea for this post from one of those online quizzes in a social networking site. I like taking those quizzes when I am passing away time. They may not be as accurate as they can be but they are fun and sometimes, provides valuable insight – like this one. As I was reading my results (I am supposedly a good listener although I don’t always come across as one), I could not help by relate the topic to being a parent.

As Munashe shares in his blog, the art of listening is perhaps one of the most important – if not THE most important – things that a parent should develop. What does the art of listening entail?

I believe that it is more than sitting there and hearing the things that your child has to say. It is not a passive activity but an interactive one. You actively listen by understanding what your child is saying and contributing something to the conversation. More so, listening entails understanding that maybe, at times, your child just wants to be heard and does not really need to be told what to do.

I think that is one problem that arises when children share things with their parents – we sometimes automatically think that we need to provide a solution to whatever they are presenting. Have you ever thought that maybe your child just wants to rant and let off steam and be heard? I sure know that I feel that way a lot of times.

So do you take the time out to really listen to your child? How do you listen?

Ever noticed how kids will keep pestering you just when you are intent on doing something. The more engrossed you are, the more they will bug you. You just want an hour to enjoy your game and they want to play it for you. It can be annoying!

Truth is they just want to be part of what you’re doing. If you are having fun, they want to have fun with you. If you enjoy cooking, they will try and enjoy it too. They love helping you decorate for christmas. They’ll even try to help wrap presents.

Of course there are times that you have to say no but before you tell them they can’t why not check if there is someway they can take part. For example, you’re busy in the kitchen getting dinner ready and you don’t really want them around your knives. How about just having them peel the veggies or wash the potatoes.

If you’re painting, why not give your kid a paintbrush too and assign him his own corner to color? He may not do as big a space as you and his corner may not be as even but that is easily taken care of.

Do you love word games, the crosswords maybe? Get a book of word puzzles that the two of you can do together. Invite him to bring his puzzles to where you sit and you can sit companionably together as you each solve your games.

These may seem like small things for them to do but the effect on them is huge. Kids love to “help out”. Let them and watch as they amaze you with what they can do.

Photo via Dynamoash

In Gilmore Girls, Lorelai and Rory seem to get along pretty well except for the later seasons. Lorelai had Rory when she was still a teenager so maybe that is why they get along pretty well. Their age gap is not so huge compared to other mother-daughter tandems. They even go out shopping together and borrow each others’ clothes. They talk about their relationships. They joke around like friends.

If you think that this is only possible on TV and only for moms who are not too old for their teenage daughters, think again. There are ways after all.

Start them young.

If your children would know you as someone they could trust and easily talk with, that will make them feel this more consistently. That is why it is good. However, the dilemma is that they might be too clingy later on.

Treat them as adults.

This is especially when they are already teenagers. If they know that you are trying to see them as adults, they would feel better about themselves. As if you are equals, in a way. At least when it comes to deciding on certain things for their own. Especially when it comes to dating. This way, you might even have the chance for some heart-to-heart talks.

Have fun with them.

It is true that you have to be serious with them, especially when it comes to discussing matters. But do things together like shopping, going to the salon or the spa. If your daughter likes sports like soccer or basketball, talk about the athletes and maybe even try playing it. Do not hesitate in having fun with her.

The Gilmore girls are probably not the conventional mother-daughter set up but you sure could learn much from their relationship. We are all humans and this is one thing that the daughters should see in their mothers. If you are too strict and stoic, how could they relate with you after all?

Photo via Summers

It’s summer vacation, and this year we decided to enjoy the time we have together as a family, without busy schedules or classes, with just the time to really do anything or nothing for once! Last summer we did no less than 3 trips, and in-between I enrolled the kids in summer classes (N did a reading workshop, O an art class), so you can imagine how the holiday went amazingly quickly and not without stress! This summer we wanted to do the opposite, so aside from a 2-week trip to visit Grandpa P, we had NOTHING else planned.

Great?! Well, yes, aside from one small detail. My kids have been fighting like cats and dogs (ok, worse!) on a daily basis. Maybe it’s because we are at our beach house and there are no other kids around, maybe its because the beach hasn’t really been swimmable so they’ve been pushed with things to do…maybe they just have serious personality clashes?….

Luckily, the truth is that siblings WILL fight and there really isn’t much we parents can do about it (other than scream and make threats). But I did find this very useful bit of advice from Positive Parenting, which said:

I’ll be giving this a try in about 30 seconds….

Photo via kafkan

Forgive me for neglecting this blog all week, it’s been a busier week than usual – I’ve attempted to do a “clean sweep“. But for once, it has nothing to do with cleaning or organizing my house or my kids, and has everything to do with me.

It all started with an email I received from my mothers group a few weeks ago from a fellow Mum who excitedly said she was organizing a “Life Planning” workshop. Now, I’ve always been interested in that kind of thing (having lined my shelved with too many “self-help” books in my twenties, then moved onto the “baby whisperer” and “how to raise a spirited child”), and coupled with our family’s latest dilemma of moving, it really should have been something I signed up for immediately. But no, it stayed in my inbox for weeks, until the (rightly) persistent Mum, sent a follow up email saying:

The workshops are designed to be a time set aside for some internal reflection – but nothing too deep or scary! So many of us spend most of our time worrying about the well-being of others (husbands, kids, friends, far-off family, the cat) that we tend to neglect ourselves. In these workshops we want to take stock of our lives, where we are and where we want to go. It is not about searching through our past or re-living our personal histories. It is all about finding out who I really want to be and how I can become that person.

I’m sorry if this all sounds too California-hippy-esoteric: the tone of the workshops will actually be very down-to-earth and practical (and hopefully fun!).

I had this nagging feeling that it was something I should do, but I let a few more days pass, asking my husband occasionally, “What do you think? Should I do it?” After he said, for the upteenth time, “YES! just do it already”, I emailed the Mum and said that I was interested and quickly hit the “send” button before I could change my mind. In a few minutes I got a reply saying that I was luckily the 10th and last participant!

So I was in. And with trepidation I went to the first session last Tuesday, which consisted of 10 women, all from pretty different backgrounds and nationalities, with one thing in common. In the flurry of our lives as Mom, wife, friend, daughter, employee, employer etc…., we all wanted the same thing – to be happier with ourselves and create a better life for ourselves and our families. Our facilitator Michel was a Life Coach, and together with his assistant, also a Life Coach (and retired Congresswoman!), went through the first part of the workshop which was about Life Mapping.

I have to say that it was a great experience – certainly NOT easy, but with the potential to be extremely rewarding. This week I’ve been struggling to find the time (and head space) to fill out some of the exercises they gave us, which I’ve found is like eating a very healthy (but tasteless meal). Its not very comfortable chewing on those weird grains, but you know its good for you and you’ll feel a lot better later.

Photo via chez_sugi

We are an animal-loving family. In our household, we have 3 dogs, 5 cats and two turtles. Two years ago, our male basset hound, Pancho passed away, bitten by a vicious snake who had gotten into our garden. Pancho had a terrible temper, but did have a sweet side of him. As he got older, his temper got worse, so when he passed away, we consoled ourselves that perhaps it was for the best, as we had a new baby in the house then, with O just a few months old.

Pancho was my husband’s dog, really, and he was the only one in the household who Pancho actually listened to, and never dared bite (yes, he bit us all- nothing serious though). So since he died, it was my husband who missed him most, and whenever we’d see a basset with his blackish-tri-colour markings, it was very apparent.

Then last week, my sister (who’s even more animal crazy than we are, with over 50 cats and two labs who are treated like humans) sends me a link to a petfinder site, showing photos of a litter of bassets who were born earlier this year, two days after N’s birthday, three days after O’s!

On top of the nice birthday coincidence, which scores high points in our family (Jasper, our persian, has the same birthday as O, and Otto, our golden retriever, the same as my husband!), one of the puppies also had very similar markings to Pancho!

So on Saturday, N and I went to see the breeder ( a nice couple who obviously loved dogs), and met the puppy, who was the friendliest of the litter. N and I both fell in love (how can you not? look at her photo!) and promptly laid a deposit. We’ll be picking her up in a few weeks – in perfect timing for my husband’s birthday!

I haven’t really thought about this idea much until I read Kori Rodley Irons’ post “They Might Need to Hear it from Someone Else (Too).” She says:

No matter how wise and forthcoming I think I am with my children, they are never as keen on my advice and wisdom as I imagine they should be-in fact, they are often downright resentful! Over the years, I have learned that often times it is not the advice that is sour-they just need to hear it from someone else.

Though this is not always the case, there certainly are times when it happens. Is this because of something not quite right in the relationship between parents and children? Maybe, but I would like to think that children go through a stage wherein they need reaffirmation from elements outside of their immediate family circle.

This is even truer for teenagers who tend to look to their peers for acceptance and affirmation. Or perhaps they have an uncle or an aunt whom they feel an attachment to. No matter who it is, they just seem to need to hear certain things from them as well – even if their own parents have already said the same thing.

I guess I should not be that bothered. After all, I do the same thing to my husband sometimes – or so he says.

According to Bruce Hirsch, a counselor at the Frostig Center in Pasadena, CA, the first step in dealing with a child with anxiety problems is to go slowly. He notes:

The first thing I do, especially with an anxious child, is to go very slowly. Because if you immediately focus on their anxiety, you’re going to make the child more anxious. I try to create a very non-threatening environment. If they don’t want to talk much, that’s okay. They may want to do a little drawing instead, or play a game. Then I usually test the waters because all kids are different. I might say, “Gee, Mom and Dad said that you have a lot of trouble falling asleep at night, what do you think about that?” If the child withdraws at that point, I don’t push. Other kids may be relieved that someone’s finally addressing the anxiety so that they can talk about what’s going on.

I totally agree with this approach. What I said in the beginning of this post – sheltering the child – may not be the best wording possible but the idea is the same. At the outset, support and acceptance is what a child with anxiety needs.

What is your take?