Be An Effective Parent: Don’t Yell In The Morning!

Animal School

I’ve blogged about this in the past, but I just can’t give enough praise to this video, or to Ellen’s website, Raising Small Souls. I’m fortunate to say that my parenting experiences have been wonderful, but as every Mom will know, there are just days (ok, weeks or even longer!), when things do get on top of you, when you find yourself shouting in the morning rush for the school bus, at homework time (“for the last time, come and do your homework NOW!!”), at bedtime (“stay in bed, please!”) and throughout the day (“don’t hit your sister!”).

My husband, who has infinite patience with the kids and has only ever blown up with them just two or three times in the 6 1/2 years we’ve been parents, keeps me in check by saying very calmly,

“you’re very angry these days”

And that’s always a good wake-up call! But aside from spousal intervention, there are a number of things you can do to stop the Mom fury ( I’ll be listing my favourites down in a future post). Ellen has an interesting article in her site which tells you to “yell at your kids in the afternoons, not in the mornings“, which is a great idea, because you can still yell, just not all day, which is do-able, right?

Now I’m all for a “joyful morning atmosphere”, but
some of her other “Rise and Shine” ideas, like making blueberry pancakes WITH the kids, is downright impossible in my household on school days. Like my husband, my daughter is a zombie for at least the first hour upon waking, so the idea of baking at 6.00 a.m. would probably solicit more yelling from me anyway. But she does make a good point in saying that:

“Let us begin with the premise that the morning sets the tone remainder of the day. We all know that ‘waking up on the wrong side of the bed’ can forecast the beginning of a troublesome day, so the opposite must hold true as well: a pleasant morning will foretell the wonderful afternoon that is ahead!”

Letting Go in First Grade

Letting go of the balloon

When you have a new first grader, the world suddenly revolves around two words Moms like me hate to hear (and, gulp, do). Let Go. Ever since Kindergarten, my daughter has proudly been telling us, her teachers, and anybody who cared to listen, that when she turned 6, she would be going to the biggest school in our area. A huge co-ed establishment with fantastic facilities and a great sports programme, my sporty, sassy and independent kid loved the idea of it, and so did I, until the day came when I actually had to leave her there. On her own.

So there she was, hair neatly braided, brand new Hannah Montana backpack and My Scene lunchbox, sitting in her first grade classroom with 13 other 6-year-olds whose Moms were slowly leaving the open door where we all peeked in. As I watched my child sitting proudly at her desk, I secretly hoped that she would look back at me and say she didn’t want me to go (which she never did), and eventually, as I made myself walk away as all the other parents had, I realized that today we had both reached a milestone. She was growing up and I was letting her get to it.

Photo via against the tide

The Little Boy Is A Scaredy Cat

I don’t know if you would agree with me but sometimes, our culture puts too much premium on little boys being tough and brave. Boys shouldn’t cry. Boys shouldn’t be afraid of the dark. Boys shouldn’t be afraid of thunder and lightning. And the list goes on and on.

I am sure, though, that parents of little boys know better than that. Children are children and when they get exposed to something that they find scary, they can either become braver or more scared. This topic of children being scared came to mind earlier this week. I was just dredging up some memories and suddenly thought of how some parents try to shelter their children from anything remotely scary.

Television shows are strictly regulated and so are books, movies, and other media. While I do agree with this regulation (for other reasons), I believe that children should be exposed to “reasonably” scary material from time to time. The truth is that our children will be exposed to scary things and events no matter how much we shelter them.

If they are of school age, they will certainly hear about and maybe experience scary things outside of the home. Same thing if the children go outside to play. We just cannot control certain things! So how are we to handle this issue? What if your little boy is a scaredy cat?

I haven’t had a serious problem with this but in my experience, reassuring your child about his safety and at the same time making him aware of the realities of the situation works. How about you, what do you do to help your child with his fears?

How Does Parenting Affect Personality?

Maybe a better question would be, does parenting really affect personality? I am going to be honest right from the beginning – I have no clear cut answers to these questions. The reason I am posting about it is that my friends and I got to talking about children’s personalities as compared to their parents’ personalities.

Friend O was wondering out loud why her child was such a quiet little girl – she’s 2. She was wondering because she is a very gregarious person and so is her whole family. Obviously, her daughter is the “odd baby out.” Anyhow, we got to talking about what shapes the personality of a child.

Is it hereditary? Is it because of one’s parenting style? If it were hereditary, then naturally extroverted people should have extroverted children. But this isn’t always the case (as it is with my friend O). That is why I tend to lean towards parenting style having a great effect on children’s personalities.

I also found some material on this topic. Irene Watson shares how parenting styles can really affect the personality of your child:

Research on parenting during childhood and adolescence has focused primarily on the effects of parenting behaviors and styles. A crucial element of parenting is the way in which the parents attempt to control the child. Numerous consequential factors that seem to be significant have been isolated. Of course, the degree and kind of control that the parent exercises over the child has portentous ramification for the development of personality.

Studies and theories show that genetic analyses do not contribute to the framework as much as does the within-family environment in effecting personality constructs.

What is your take on this?

Do Worry Too Much?

I know I do. I have been told oftentimes that “worry is my middle name.” This cliché spans generations and cultures and is, I believe, quite true especially for parents. I remember how my mom acted when I was in high school. Mobile phones were not common those days and there was no way of keeping track of children at all times. That is why we had curfews. Then I went to college. I had to call home several times a week to reassure the parents that I was fine and was staying clear of trouble.

Now that I am all grown up, I suppose it is but natural to carry the tradition of worrying about children. Will my kids be safe in school? Are they in danger of being bullied in the play ground?

I can just imagine the predicament of parents who have teenagers. Would they be all right when they go to parties? Would they have the willpower to withstand peer pressure and do the right thing? Would they be safe driving?

Is this kind of worry healthy or is too much? I read an article at BC Local News which shared a heartwarming story:

She remembers talking many years ago to her brother-in-law, my now dearly departed Uncle Val. I was about 12 at the time, so my brothers would have been 15 and 17.

“I know our generation is going to make it through life with jobs and being financially stable, Val, but I worry about the children,” said Mom, whose fears raising three boys by herself at such a time could certainly be justified.

My uncle paused for a moment, then told Mom something she never forgot.

“Don’t worry,” he told her soothingly. “You and I have made it growing up through the Depression as children ourselves and, as young adults, through a world war. Our own parents certainly had cause to worry about us, too.

“Our kids will survive, adapt to their surroundings and thrive in love and life as much as fate permits.”

He was right. It’s true, completely true. Only I still worry. And, like Mom, probably always will.

The author was right – worry is part of the job.

Photo courtesy of kellynocca

Where Do Parents Go Wrong? (Part 3)

We took a look at how being overprotective can harm our children’s development. How about nagging, or as some describe it, repeating and reminding?

I personally do not see a problem with repeating instructions or requests, especially if the child does not seem to hear OR ignores a parent. However, we may have to go back to an earlier stage where we set the limits and the rules. It should be that when mommy says it is time to stop playing and time to wash up for dinner, she does not have to repeat herself. On the other hand, children will be children and sometimes, they will not follow the first request. In these instances, I believe that repeating the instruction is totally fine as long as one does so firmly. That is not nagging, is it? More so, we shouldn’t really YELL just because an instruction was not followed the first time it was given. According to Nancy Shute, “In fact, there’s abundant evidence that humans tune out repeated commands… Nagging also gives children “negative reinforcement,” or an incentive—parental attention—to keep misbehaving.”

The next time you feel the beginnings of a “nag”, bear that in mind.

Another area that we should be careful with is in giving praise. Giving praise is a positive thing – as long as it is not done too much and in the proper way. Have you ever met people who thought that the world revolved around them, that they are the best ever, and that they are God’s gift to mankind? Perhaps these people do so because their parents praised them to no end, making them believe that they are better than other people. I would like my child to have a healthy amount of self-esteem but it should be based on reality and not merely a perception. Get what I am saying? Share your thoughts?

Photo courtesy of LightSpectral

Saying I Love You

There is no doubt that, as parents, we love their children more than anything in the world. Well, at least most parents do. Yet how do we convey that love to our children?

I was talking to a friend from high school who recently gave birth to a healthy baby girl. As we were talking about family and child rearing matters, she suddenly said something about making sure that she says “I love you” to her daughter and that she teaches her daughter to say it back.

I was slightly taken aback because I had taken it for granted. Isn’t that what all families do? Don’t we all say “I love you” to our parents? Don’t all our children say “I love you” to us?

Apparently, I couldn’t be more wrong! There are parents who, despite their enormous love for their kids, are just “not the type” to verbally say “I love you.” I find this sad – no, tragic. I have experienced the greatest love in my family and I aim to provide the same for my own children. I do not want a barrier to exist between us – a barrier of not being able to say “I love you” outright.

What if you just feel uncomfortable saying the words aloud? You cannot be blamed for that. Maybe, you can start out with baby steps. First do it in writing. Give your child a card or a note just because and then write “I love you.” After a while, try saying the words themselves. You’ll be surprised at how easy it is. Go on, say those magic words…

Dealing With Your Child’s Anxiety Problems

If your child has anxiety problems, what are you supposed to do? As a parent, your instinct may tell you to shelter him or her from whatever it is that is causing the anxiety. That is what I would do. But is it the right thing to do?

According to Bruce Hirsch, a counselor at the Frostig Center in Pasadena, CA, the first step in dealing with a child with anxiety problems is to go slowly. He notes:

The first thing I do, especially with an anxious child, is to go very slowly. Because if you immediately focus on their anxiety, you’re going to make the child more anxious. I try to create a very non-threatening environment. If they don’t want to talk much, that’s okay. They may want to do a little drawing instead, or play a game. Then I usually test the waters because all kids are different. I might say, “Gee, Mom and Dad said that you have a lot of trouble falling asleep at night, what do you think about that?” If the child withdraws at that point, I don’t push. Other kids may be relieved that someone’s finally addressing the anxiety so that they can talk about what’s going on.

I totally agree with this approach. What I said in the beginning of this post – sheltering the child – may not be the best wording possible but the idea is the same. At the outset, support and acceptance is what a child with anxiety needs.

What is your take?

Does Your Child Have Anxiety Problems?

Anxiety is something that is not to be taken lightly. If even adults may have problems with regard to anxiety and they may not know how to handle them properly, how much more for our children? There are many causes of anxiety in children. Some of the most common ones probably have something to do with school and interaction with their peers.

How do we know if our child is suffering from anxiety problems? Scott, in his blog, outlines some symptoms that may arise from such problems:

Is your child exhibiting one or more of these signs? Of course, it does not necessarily mean that he or she has a problem. It could be merely that they are part of growing up. Then again, he or she might really be having some problems – especially if the several of the symptoms above are present.
In the next post, let us look at some ways we can help our child deal with such issues.

The Art Of Listening

Are you a good listener? I actually find it amusing that I got the idea for this post from one of those online quizzes in a social networking site. I like taking those quizzes when I am passing away time. They may not be as accurate as they can be but they are fun and sometimes, provides valuable insight – like this one. As I was reading my results (I am supposedly a good listener although I don’t always come across as one), I could not help by relate the topic to being a parent.

As Munashe shares in his blog, the art of listening is perhaps one of the most important – if not THE most important – things that a parent should develop. What does the art of listening entail?

I believe that it is more than sitting there and hearing the things that your child has to say. It is not a passive activity but an interactive one. You actively listen by understanding what your child is saying and contributing something to the conversation. More so, listening entails understanding that maybe, at times, your child just wants to be heard and does not really need to be told what to do.

I think that is one problem that arises when children share things with their parents – we sometimes automatically think that we need to provide a solution to whatever they are presenting. Have you ever thought that maybe your child just wants to rant and let off steam and be heard? I sure know that I feel that way a lot of times.

So do you take the time out to really listen to your child? How do you listen?