If your child has anxiety problems, what are you supposed to do? As a parent, your instinct may tell you to shelter him or her from whatever it is that is causing the anxiety. That is what I would do. But is it the right thing to do?

According to Bruce Hirsch, a counselor at the Frostig Center in Pasadena, CA, the first step in dealing with a child with anxiety problems is to go slowly. He notes:

The first thing I do, especially with an anxious child, is to go very slowly. Because if you immediately focus on their anxiety, you’re going to make the child more anxious. I try to create a very non-threatening environment. If they don’t want to talk much, that’s okay. They may want to do a little drawing instead, or play a game. Then I usually test the waters because all kids are different. I might say, “Gee, Mom and Dad said that you have a lot of trouble falling asleep at night, what do you think about that?” If the child withdraws at that point, I don’t push. Other kids may be relieved that someone’s finally addressing the anxiety so that they can talk about what’s going on.

I totally agree with this approach. What I said in the beginning of this post – sheltering the child – may not be the best wording possible but the idea is the same. At the outset, support and acceptance is what a child with anxiety needs.

What is your take?

Anxiety is something that is not to be taken lightly. If even adults may have problems with regard to anxiety and they may not know how to handle them properly, how much more for our children? There are many causes of anxiety in children. Some of the most common ones probably have something to do with school and interaction with their peers.

How do we know if our child is suffering from anxiety problems? Scott, in his blog, outlines some symptoms that may arise from such problems:

Is your child exhibiting one or more of these signs? Of course, it does not necessarily mean that he or she has a problem. It could be merely that they are part of growing up. Then again, he or she might really be having some problems – especially if the several of the symptoms above are present.
In the next post, let us look at some ways we can help our child deal with such issues.

Are you a good listener? I actually find it amusing that I got the idea for this post from one of those online quizzes in a social networking site. I like taking those quizzes when I am passing away time. They may not be as accurate as they can be but they are fun and sometimes, provides valuable insight – like this one. As I was reading my results (I am supposedly a good listener although I don’t always come across as one), I could not help by relate the topic to being a parent.

As Munashe shares in his blog, the art of listening is perhaps one of the most important – if not THE most important - things that a parent should develop. What does the art of listening entail?

I believe that it is more than sitting there and hearing the things that your child has to say. It is not a passive activity but an interactive one. You actively listen by understanding what your child is saying and contributing something to the conversation. More so, listening entails understanding that maybe, at times, your child just wants to be heard and does not really need to be told what to do.

I think that is one problem that arises when children share things with their parents – we sometimes automatically think that we need to provide a solution to whatever they are presenting. Have you ever thought that maybe your child just wants to rant and let off steam and be heard? I sure know that I feel that way a lot of times.

So do you take the time out to really listen to your child? How do you listen?

Just like many families who didn’t go out of the city over the Easter weekend, we found ourselves at the mall on Saturday. It was not one of the most perfect times to go as there were throngs of people but we still found ourselves enjoying each other’s company and the sights to see. That was, until our little boy started throwing a fit because he wanted some Coke before dinner. Of course, mommy said no – he can have a glass after the meal. It would have been fine except that an uncle went ahead and bought himself a can. Little boy then started whining and comparing his uncle.

So how did we handle this? The way we usually do it is to give calm explanations. Children are quite rational if you get them used to it from the outset. Yesterday, though, it didn’t work immediately. Little boy kept whining and asking for a Coke. I decided to ignore him. After a while it stopped and we had dinner in peace – with two glasses of Coke afterwards.

Did I do the right thing? Should we ignore our children’s bad behavior? Tammy Daniele in Parenting Coach suggests doing so. However, she emphasizes that we should not ignore the CHILD but ignore the BEHAVIOR instead. She goes on to say that: A simple statement that sends the message that you, as a parent, are not going to respond to certain behaviors and will not respond until a more suitable behavior is being displayed.

I totally agree. How about you?

I was browsing other parenting blogs and I just found this post by Daring Young Mom hilarious. She was sharing an experience with her daughter wherein she withheld TV privileges for a while. Instead of throwing a temper tantrum, her daughter put her creative juices to work and went on to make a TV of her own out of crayon and paper! Imagine that!

It made me think of the times when the creativity of children come out because of “adverse” situations. I remember one time when my sister and I were kids and we wanted to have a Power Wheel. Yeah I know this was normally for boys but they looked like a lot of fun. Anyway, our parents would not buy us one no matter how much we asked and begged. Our solution? We got this tiny coffee table in our living room, removed everything on top of it, and turned it upside down. We both got in and took turns driving our “home made Power Wheel!” Lucky for us the coffee table was light enough to push around.

Sometimes, I think that not giving everything our children ask for is a good thing. Just because they want something does not mean that they should have it. They may be disappointed at first but with their resiliency, I am sure that their creativity would surface and they would come up with something that would make them quite content.

How about you, any “creative” stories that you might want to share?

Adults have them – why should children be exempt? Observing children these days, it seems to me, though, that they are more prone to having mood swings than in the past. Or maybe it is merely dependent on the personality of each individual child.

I am sure you have an idea of what I am talking about. For example, your kid would be cheerful and playful in the morning and then suddenly, for no apparent reason, his mood would change. He’d become gloomy and sulky. Of course, I am not talking about instances wherein there is a cause for the change in mood. Now that is understandable. Yet how about those instances wherein you cannot find a reason? Do you think it is something serious?

I believe that in these cases, somehow, there is an underlying reason – just like with us adults. Perhaps that reason is not immediately apparent but if you take the time to find it out, it will soon surface and you can deal with it.

The question then is how should a parent deal with these mood swings? I find this the most effective strategy – ride it out. In the beginning, my initial reaction was to argue and reason. I soon found out that, more often than not, this would only aggravate matters. It is better to wait till he gets over his bad mood and then have a talk. This way, he is feeling better and would be more likely to listen to reason.

Much like adults, don’t you think?

This morning, when I got back home from dropping N at kindergarten, I came home to find Jennyfer, our nanny, suddenly scream out and start weeping.

We rushed to her, only to find that she had received word from her sister, that her baby neice had died today. Tragic and sad, but whats worse is that the same sister had a four-year old who also passed away a few years ago, and the most likely reason for both deaths was poverty.

When I spoke to Jennyfer and asked her what had brought this tragedy about, she simply said that her sister and family simply did not have enough money to see a doctor, to buy medicine, and in recent weeks did not even have enough for rice.

I was mortified, asking her why didn’t she ask us for help? That of course we would help her family if only she has told us. In between sobs she just looked shyly at me, obviously grief-stricken and even a little ashamed.

Jennyfer’s family, you see, live in the province of Leyte in the Philippines, and she supports her 9 siblings and parents, being the only one with a job at 22 years of age. Jobs and affordable or free medical help are rare in the area, and sadly, many children and infants die an early death.

On the upside, infant mortality rates in the Philippines have declined a little, by around 2% since 2003 - with 22.81 deaths for every 1,000 births. Nevertheless, it was with a heavy heart that I gave her some money to send back to her sister this morning, money for the funeral and some rice, wishing that we could have somehow helped save this child’s life.

Much as I enjoy my blogging, I have to admit that sometimes it gets tiresome to see my own thoughts on this blog every single day. Which is the reason why I like to spare myself (and whoever else reads this) of me-itis ramblings by posting little bits and bobs, such as the previous post, and this one below.

It wasnt written by me, but its so utterly familiar in my life as a parent, that I feel I could have written it too. Well, some of it at least.

Somebody said it takes about six weeks to get back to normal after you’ve had a baby … somebody doesn’t know that once you’re a mother, “normal” is history.

Somebody said you learn how to be a mother by instinct, somebody never took a three-year-old shopping.

Somebody said being a mother is boring … somebody never rode in a car driven by a teenager with a driver’s permit.

Somebody said if you’re a “good” mother, your child will “turn out good”… somebody thinks a child comes with directions and a guarantee.

Somebody said “good” mothers never raise their voices …somebody never came out the back door just in time to see her child hit a golf ball through the
neighbor’s kitchen window.

Somebody said you don’t need an education to be a mother…. somebody never helped a fourth grader with his math.

Somebody said you can’t love the second child as much as you love the first … somebody doesn’t have two children.

Somebody said a mother can find all the answers to her child-rearing questions in the books….somebody never had a child stuff beans up his nose or in his ears.

Somebody said the hardest part of being a mother is labor and delivery….somebody never watched her “baby” get on the bus for the first day of
kindergarten or on a plane headed for military “boot camp.”

Somebody said a mother can do her job with her eyes closed and one hand tied behind her back….somebody never organized seven giggling Brownies
to sell cookies.

Somebody said a mother can stop worrying after her child gets married….somebody doesn’t know that marriage adds a new son or daughter-in-law to a mother’s heartstrings.

Somebody said a mother’s job is done when her last child leaves home….somebody never had grandchildren.

Somebody said your mother knows you love her, so you don’t need to tell her…. somebody isn’t a mother.

Like they say, theres a first time for everything, and it was the first time for me to have one one of my children be admitted to hospital. We were lucky, I suppose, as the pediatric floor was initally full, and Dr.J told us we’d have to head for the emergency room until a bed became vacant. A few minutes before we left the house, however, she texted me to say to head straight for the admissions desk, as a room was now available. I was about as chuffed as one could be when their child is about to be admitted to hospital. Relieved that we wouldnt be spending a good part of the night at the emergency room, but still feeling pretty anxious.

The pediatric ward was the same as all the other hospital floors, except for colourful animal signs as the room numbers (ours was a panda), and a cheery-looking playroom which unfortunately had a forbidding sign taped on the door saying “closed for general cleaning”. Hurumph. My sister helped us check in and get sorted in the room (hubby is abroad - dang! of all times when I could do with husbandly support), and within minutes the resident doctor and some nurses came in to see my little O.

Weak as ever, O was a dream when they put in the i.v. drip, with hardly any complaining except for a small cry when the needle went in (this impressed the doctors who were expecting the usual struggle at this particular floor). Within minutes he was fast asleep. Probably from the sheer exhaustion of the day, poor thing. I was pretty beat myself, so after a quick trip to the basement cafeteria for some supplies, I watched American Idol until I fell asleep only to be awoken by a nurse two hours later.

[tags]sick kids, hospital, pediatric ward[/tags]

Happy New Year!!!

Its that time of year again to think of one’s New Year’s Resolutions, and though I have a small list of personal changes I’d like to make, the one resolution I have as a parent, would be something I learned from my favourite parenting advisor, Ellen Braun and her Raising Small Souls website.

It basically tackles the subject of REACTING vs REFLECTING which I had honestly never thought of before, and when I read it, I was struck by its truth. I swear, parents should really have a school where they can learn how to do things right. In the 5 years I’ve been a parent, I hate to admit it, but I’ve made many, many mistakes. Ok, its not exactly a crime as we’re all allowed to make mistakes, but somehow it just matters so much more when it comes to your kids and the consequences which could be carried by them for the rest of their lives.

So this year my goal is to be a Mom who REFLECTS rather than REACTS. No small task, Ellen likens to learning a new language - tough, but so worth it when you finally become fluent. Also, as rightly commented on my another Mom, we should all practice this on our husbands as well! Read on to see how Ellen explains how important this is.

When a child hears his emotions reflected back to him, he is able to accept, trust, and respect his own feelings. That is the essence of confidence. When a child has the ability to base ideas and decisions upon his thoughts and feelings, he is self-aware and possesses a healthy level of self-esteem.

Imagine with me for a moment that you have just arrived home from a party.

�Honey, I�m so hungry, do we have anything good to eat?� you ask your spouse.

�Hungry!� Spouse exclaims, �How could you possibly be hungry; you ate tons of at the party!�

Or, how about this scenario:

�Sweetheart,� you begin as you turn towards your spouse to express yourself, �I�m really very hot. Would you lower the thermostat please?�

�Hot!� Spouse practically shouts, �I�ll tell you what hot is- go outside in the sun, then you�ll feel hot! When you come back inside, you�ll realize that it�s very comfortable in here.�

��

Well, how did you feel about that? Did you feel understood? Did you feel that your feelings had been taken into account in a meaningful way? Or, were you left wondering whether your emotions were actually real? Perhaps you were not actually hungry? Could it be that the heat was simply a figment of your imagination? Or, did you wonder whether your spouse could begin to understand you after all?

��

Imagine traveling in the mini-van with your daughter. �I�m hungry!� she whines during a long stretch of the highway.

�You are not hungry, darling,� You respond to your daughter, �you just ate dinner.�

Daughter has two choices right now:

Choice #1: Believe Parent; if my parent says that I�m not hungry, then that must be the fact. The rumbling in my belly must be my imagination. Unconsciously, the thought process will travel even further: My feelings may not be real. I�ve got to check with my parents to see if my feelings are truly accurate. I am not capable of trusting my own intuition and emotions.

Choice #2: Not believe Parent; if my parent says that I�m not hungry, that means he/she does not know what he is talking about! My own feelings will guide me to knowledge of the truth. Unconsciously, the thought process will travel down a road that looks like this: My parent does not understand me at all. He/she has no idea who I am or what I am feeling.

��

I recall speaking with two different friends recently on a day that I was suffering from stomach problems.

Friend A said to me, �Why don�t you try this pill or that pill?�

Friend B empathized with, �Oh, Ellen, it�s so hard to get anything done when your stomach is out of sorts� it�s as though the whole you is out of sorts, but your mind is working fine and you want to do things, you just feel like you�re weighed down.�

Obviously, Friend A meant well. However, it was Friend B who reflected my feelings that made me feel comforted.

��

Like learning a new language, switching gears from reacting to your children�s expressions to the new method of reflecting their inner feelings, will take a bit of time. In the beginning, you may feel awkward with this manner of conversation, yet over time, it will become a natural and habitual way of response.

[tags]New Years Resolutions, parenting tips, parenting advice[/tags]