You really can’t blame O for what happened. The past few weeks I’ve been letting him play on my husband’s laptop, where he discovered the joys of the Teletubbies site. You see, he would watch his big sister N as she expertly lead Stephanie to defeat Robbie Rotten in the Lazytown (Nick Jr) site, or dressed Ken in the funkiest outfits at Barbie’s online home.

He would sit next to her quietly on our large office swivel chair, seemingly more interested than he was with his usual Elmo or Blues Clues morning shows. So I thought, why not let him try it himself?

Well, between the Thomas and Friends, Teletubbies and Sesame Street sites, he was hooked, toddling each morning after breakfast to the laptop, saying: “Mommy, games!”

Not so good for my home work schedule, but I thought it was harmless in itself until last night. I was answering emails, and he was on my bed, watching Barney Goes To School as his sister was in the bath. N shouted out for me, so I quickly went to her, leaving O alone, with the laptop open on the desk.

When I got back to the room, two minutes later, I saw, to my horror, that more than half of the laptop keys were GONE. Plucked off. And there was O looking quite pleased with himself, with the missing keys piled neatly on the desk.

Just recently we had spent an obscene amount of money getting a new LCD screen for this Mac laptop, so you can imagine my reaction when I saw what he’d done. Not a proud I’m-a-Mom-in-control moment, but more like a hysterical i’m-a-horrible-mom thing. So there were obviously a lot of tears (no violence though, I assure you), of which I felt terribly guilty about later.

Luckily, the kind man at our local computer shop was able to put all but one key back on, but I can confirm that for now, at least, O’s online exploits are on hold. At least until the terrible twos are over.

Ok, it isnt such a far-fetched idea really, but given the day and age we live in, when it comes to video games and kids, its just a matter of time (unless you live in Outer Mongolia - but then again, even there they’ve probably got some bootleg gameboy from the mainland).

Not that I’ve decided to give in and allow N to have one just yet- I think its better to get all the facts and get oneself ready to make the best out of a situation.

So here are some tips I found:

1. Find the “good” games and stay away from the “bad”

Find games that people can play together (team building and sportsmanship) like sports and action games. Make it more social, as opposed to a “mind-numbing” activity. Steer clear of violent titles, do your research and check out online reviews first.

2. Get “Active” Games

If like me, you’re concerned about the health aspect, then get some games which will get the kids (and maybe even yourself) out of the sofa and moving! These usually come with a dance pad, which younger kids will enjoy. Karaoke games are fun too, like Singstar, which can get the whole family spending some fun quality time together.

3. Be Involved

As with most things in your child’s life, take an active involvement. Try and spend some time together playing and discover why your child loves it. In my case though, it will be my husband playing the sports and action things - I’ll just stick to the karaoke.

The same pro-video game parent who inspired these tips had this to say (he does have a point).

Don’t believe all the popular media about violence in video games. While there have been a great deal of sensationalist news claims over the years, little legitimate supporting research has been presented that makes a strong link between games and violence. In 2001, the Surgeon General of the United States released a report that concluded, “[t]aken together, findings suggest that media violence has a relatively small impact on violence.” Besides, the debate becomes mute if you pay attention to the content of the games your child is playing.

It’s easy to want to say no when your kid asks for a video game system for Christmas or for a birthday; after all, we’ve all seen various news reports about the dangers of video games. But next time your child makes such a request, don’t be so quick with that knee-jerk reaction. Two thirds of parents with children under the age of 18 say that they feel video games are a positive element of their child’s life. You don’t have to feel guilty next time someone asks you, “You let your kids play video games?” Just look surprised and say, “We play video games together. Why? Don’t you?”

You might be surprised at how nice a ring that line has.

Kids are like sponges. Especially at the preschool age, they absorb just about anything they see or hear. Kids are like parrots, too. Often they would repeat just what they hear other people say. My two-year-old daughter, C, is like this. She repeats everything her older sister says. And most of the time, she understands just what is being said–she has quite a wide vocabulary already. Otherwise, she would repeat what has been said and ask, “Dad, what’s that (the thing that had just been uttered).”

Unfortunately, kids can also easily pick up on foul or mature language, whether from other people or from media like television or radio. And things like these are very very difficult to unlearn.

So it pays to be careful with what you say around kids. They can easily imitate. Of course, it helps to know that they probably don’t understand much of what they’re saying (like foul language). But then again, these aren’t very pleasant to the ear, and they might keep on uttering these until they eventually learn the meanings when they grow up a bit.

The other day, I wrote a short intro about “Web 2.0″ applications, particularly blogs and social networking sites. Actually I feel like I’m preaching to the choir, since if you’re reading this, you are most probably aware of blogs and blogging. Still, it’s best to cover all our bases. A lot of people may know about the so-called new media, but are still not as vigilant about online security as they should be.

For those with kids in the adolescent to young adult ages, blogs and social networking sites can prove to be risky in terms of privacy and security. These sites, by nature, are used to share one’s experiences and identity online. Social networking sites, for instance, commonly feature personal profiles and photographs of the account owner. Blogs, meanwhile, can contain journal or diary-like entries, such as the author’s private thoughts, and what happened in the course of a day.

It’s just like taking a peek into a person’s mind, and knowing his/her thoughts, habits, problems, and other details–maybe even contact information and home addresses!

There are those who can use these information the wrong way. There may be predators, stalkers, and other people with malicious intent. And they can take advantage of the innocence of young individuals and do bad, abusive stuff online, or worse, they can bring it offline!

Next, I’ll share some tips on how to avoid being a target.

Happy New Year!!!

Its that time of year again to think of one’s New Year’s Resolutions, and though I have a small list of personal changes I’d like to make, the one resolution I have as a parent, would be something I learned from my favourite parenting advisor, Ellen Braun and her Raising Small Souls website.

It basically tackles the subject of REACTING vs REFLECTING which I had honestly never thought of before, and when I read it, I was struck by its truth. I swear, parents should really have a school where they can learn how to do things right. In the 5 years I’ve been a parent, I hate to admit it, but I’ve made many, many mistakes. Ok, its not exactly a crime as we’re all allowed to make mistakes, but somehow it just matters so much more when it comes to your kids and the consequences which could be carried by them for the rest of their lives.

So this year my goal is to be a Mom who REFLECTS rather than REACTS. No small task, Ellen likens to learning a new language - tough, but so worth it when you finally become fluent. Also, as rightly commented on my another Mom, we should all practice this on our husbands as well! Read on to see how Ellen explains how important this is.

When a child hears his emotions reflected back to him, he is able to accept, trust, and respect his own feelings. That is the essence of confidence. When a child has the ability to base ideas and decisions upon his thoughts and feelings, he is self-aware and possesses a healthy level of self-esteem.

Imagine with me for a moment that you have just arrived home from a party.

“Honey, I’m so hungry, do we have anything good to eat?” you ask your spouse.

“Hungry!” Spouse exclaims, “How could you possibly be hungry; you ate tons of at the party!”

Or, how about this scenario:

“Sweetheart,” you begin as you turn towards your spouse to express yourself, “I’m really very hot. Would you lower the thermostat please?”

“Hot!” Spouse practically shouts, “I’ll tell you what hot is- go outside in the sun, then you’ll feel hot! When you come back inside, you’ll realize that it’s very comfortable in here.”

—–

Well, how did you feel about that? Did you feel understood? Did you feel that your feelings had been taken into account in a meaningful way? Or, were you left wondering whether your emotions were actually real? Perhaps you were not actually hungry? Could it be that the heat was simply a figment of your imagination? Or, did you wonder whether your spouse could begin to understand you after all?

—–

Imagine traveling in the mini-van with your daughter. “I’m hungry!” she whines during a long stretch of the highway.

“You are not hungry, darling,” You respond to your daughter, “you just ate dinner.”

Daughter has two choices right now:

Choice #1: Believe Parent; if my parent says that I’m not hungry, then that must be the fact. The rumbling in my belly must be my imagination. Unconsciously, the thought process will travel even further: My feelings may not be real. I’ve got to check with my parents to see if my feelings are truly accurate. I am not capable of trusting my own intuition and emotions.

Choice #2: Not believe Parent; if my parent says that I’m not hungry, that means he/she does not know what he is talking about! My own feelings will guide me to knowledge of the truth. Unconsciously, the thought process will travel down a road that looks like this: My parent does not understand me at all. He/she has no idea who I am or what I am feeling.

—–

I recall speaking with two different friends recently on a day that I was suffering from stomach problems.

Friend A said to me, “Why don’t you try this pill or that pill?”

Friend B empathized with, “Oh, Ellen, it’s so hard to get anything done when your stomach is out of sorts… it’s as though the whole you is out of sorts, but your mind is working fine and you want to do things, you just feel like you’re weighed down.”

Obviously, Friend A meant well. However, it was Friend B who reflected my feelings that made me feel comforted.

—–

Like learning a new language, switching gears from reacting to your children’s expressions to the new method of reflecting their inner feelings, will take a bit of time. In the beginning, you may feel awkward with this manner of conversation, yet over time, it will become a natural and habitual way of response.

[tags]New Years Resolutions, parenting tips, parenting advice[/tags]

One of my resolutions for the New Year is to be a better Mom. Better, in that I am more conscious of how I am raising my kids to be happy, well-rounded and responsible adults. I have discovered that raising a brat is by far the easier way. Simply because all we have to do is give them what they want as opposed to thinking things through and giving them only what they need.

Heres a thoughtful letter written by a Filipino father to his daughter on the subject. It was printed in Business World Magazine.

How Brats Are Created

Who says only valuable jewelries can become heirlooms? My daughter showed me a copy of a letter written by her friend’s Dad on her 13th birthday. A few months after he wrote it, he died of a heart attack. Today, this letter is regarded as a family heirloom, shared not just with the immediate members of the family, but shown proudly to relatives and friends alike.

I felt the message in this beautiful letter should be shared with as many people as possible. So I asked my daughter if her friend - the letter’s addressee-would allow me to reprint it in BusinessWorld. She said there shouldn’t be a problem, except that a note should probably precede the letter asking the readers to share this with their young married children. Hah! a not-so-subtle inference that BusinessWorld readers are not exactly “young parents” anymore.

So, dear readers, do share this letter with your young married children. They will certainly find this letter - as I did - a very insightful treatise on how brats are created.

“Daughter Dearest Happy 13th Birthday!

“When you came to this world 13 years ago, you brought your Mom and I a lot of joy! We’ve always wanted a daughter and God in His wisdom gifted us with you.

“This is not to cast any aspersions at your four older brothers; they are also a great blessing and we love them very much, but boys are boys, and I look forward to the day when I am old and gray to have you by my side. I can’t see this happening with your brothers; you know what I mean, as we have talked about this at the dining-room table many a time.

“You have also heard me say that we are gifted with a lot of material wealth. That’s something we should be very grateful to the Lord about, but we should be aware that this has been loaned to us, as you too are loaned to us by God and that we will be asked to give a full accounting when our day of reckoning comes.

“The reason for this letter is to warn you about one big, big danger you and your brothers may face in the next few years. I have seen it happen in other families. I don’t want to see it happen here.

“I am referring to having you guys grow up as brats!” ‘Brat-manship’ is the process one has to go through to become a brat!

“Unfortunately, it is an ailment imposed by parents! They are the creators of the brats!

“In their desire to try to save their children from the difficulties they have been through, they do whatever possible to shield them from this. Little do they realize, that it is precisely these difficulties that have made them successful. Their love for their children may make them overprotective. They may even prevent them from taking public transportation. They come up with all sorts of rationalizations, going by public transportation is not safe, the buses are too crowded, the fumes on the road are bad for ones health, and so on!

“They mean well, but in the process, they deprive their children of what it really means to live in a city like Manila which is comprised of two strata of society - the ‘haves’ and the ‘have-nots!‘ And sad to say some of ‘the haves’ live in their little world. Unaware of that sampaguita vendor, drenched in the rain, so that her siblings may get a least one meal that day.

“The other day, I was with an elderly wise gentleman, we are at the Polo Club waiting for his car. There was a girl, about your age. She, too, was waiting for her car. When her vehicle got there, she jumped into the front seat, and as she did, tossed her beautiful pair of riding boots into the back seat. She then asked the driver if her Mom was home. ‘Wala po! Nagma-mah jong (She’s not home. She’s playing mah jong),’ came the reply! The car drove off.

“My friend turned to me and said, ‘There is an example of the under- privileged rich.’ Then he followed with, ‘They have everything and they have nothing.’

“This incident, short as it was, left me with a deep impression. I guess this is why I am writing this letter.

“Your Mom and I have tried to raise you kids to realize that our country is made up of the very rich and those who may not even have enough to have one decent meal a day. I hope you never lose sight of this. This is why we
have taken it upon ourselves to adopt a squatter family during Christmas and share with them some of some things to make their Christmas more meaningful.

In the process, we hope that you and your brothers will appreciate the conditions we live in. In the process, I hope that you always have compassion or these lesser fortunate. So that next time you see that sampaguita vendor knocking at our car window drenched in rain you do not get annoyed, but instead pull out your wallet and share with her in a small way your allowance.

“You will notice your brothers take public transportation to go to UP. It’s not that we can’t afford another car; we can’t afford for them to grow up thinking that its part of their ‘birth right’ to be in the ruling class.

“This is why we insisted that you do your bed in the morning, and to pick up your own toys and clothes, rather than have a yaya trailing you.

“And I could go on and on. As you are apt to say, ‘You catch my drift!’ “When you feel you are not getting enough money in your allowance, or get new shoes like your friends always had or the latest fad of Guess jeans, take this letter out and reread what I have written.

“We love you far too much to create a brat!

“Your Loving Father”

[tags]raising kids, spoiled brat, father[/tags]

My 20-month-old son has NEVER slept through the night. I can’t help comparing him to my 4-year-old girl, who within a few days of taking her home from the hospital slept for 8 hour stretches. Well here’s some news: thats the first rule to assume when you have kids - siblings will always be different, especially when they’re of the opposite sex. I guess that’s why they tell you to avoid comparing, which isn’t too easy.

So my little boy, who is an utter sweetheart in every other way, can be a real nightmare when it comes to sleep. No fail, every single night (save two or three in his short existence, where I prematurely rejoice thinking he has done it- but the next day its back to the old), he’ll wake up two or three times a night, crying miserably to be rocked, danced or fed.

I am determined to stop this exhausting life for both our sakes (miraculously his sister sho shares a room with him sleeps like a log throughout), as I’ve also heard that bad sleep patterns this early and life can be taken into adulthood. Think of all those adults who have to rely on sleep medication, sound effects etc. Come to think of it now, there must be at least 3 people in my extended family who have this problem. Oh dear.

Here’s some advice I found from Dr.Greene when a desperate Mom with the same exact problem wrote in:

“….The first step in helping Nicholas fall asleep at night is to develop a bedtime ritual. This may include an evening feeding at least one-half hour before bed, bath time (a warm bath right before bed tends to make children sleepy), putting on a fresh diaper and clean pajamas, having Nicholas lie in his crib, and reading a bedtime story. Add one new element of the ritual per week for several weeks until you have established a routine that works well for your family. Not all of these steps are necessary, but you may find many of them helpful. At first you will need to stay by Nicholas’s crib, and perhaps keep reading to him, until he falls asleep. Down the road, you will be able to read for a set amount of time and then leave him alone to fall asleep. In the transition period, it is helpful to give him a children’s cassette tape player with a tape of his favorite stories being read by Mom and Dad. Often when children can turn the tape on and listen as long as they want, they will fall asleep very rapidly. This is particularly true when you tell them that you’ll come back in and check on them in a while.”

[tags]toddler,sleeping,sleep problems,sleeping through night[/tags]

Our world is chockful of gadgets and gizmos. There are many devices created to help our daily life. The television, cellphones and even the computer have given us much pleasure and joy as they bring us closer together. But is it really doing that or is the opposite?

Kids nowadays spend too much time watching TV or playing video games. They are busy playing on the computer or chatting with friends online. They have headsets stuck in their ears as they listen to music on their ipod.

The kids seem to be isolated, in a world of their own that even our loving voice can barely penetrate. The TV mesmerizes them and they wander of into a daze. You have to send an sms or instant message to call them down to dinner. Sounds familiar? Don’t despair. There some simple steps that you can do to get them more involved.

Taking away their gadgets will just spark an argument so that isn’t the solution. It would actually be better if you can enjoy their some of their gizmos with them. For example, limit their TV, video and computer time to a reasonable schedule. Everyone in the family likes to use these. Why not watch some TVshows together? Let them pick a few, you get to pick others. Find TV programs that all of you can enjoy. If there aren’t any that you all like, go rent some videos.

If video games are what they enjoy most, why not find games that have multiplayer options with all of you on one unit. Better yet, why not get hold of great games like scrabble and Cranium that are educational as well as great fun. They will enjoy having fun with you and you build memories for them to treasure all their life.

1. Your child lights up at the first sight of her. Kids look forward to the time they spend with their nanny if she’s warm, caring, and patient. And you’re doubly in luck if it’s not just the kids who like having her around.

2. Your kids can’t stop talking about all the wonderful things she says and does. You may find a caregiver who can do everything well, but if she truly enjoys being in the company of children, your kids will know it. Her love will shine through every day she’s with your child.

3. She comes up with creative solutions to problems and works with you to provide the best possible care for your child. If your child has run out of paint, for example, she’ll find some household supplies your child can use to fashion an objet d’art. If your child isn’t sleeping, she’ll turn to you for advice and help. It shows that she takes her job seriously when she both takes initiative and collaborates with you.

4. Your child volunteers new songs and words, and shows off his many projects. The best nannies are aware of and cherish children’s curiosity. They’ll try to answer questions, elicit imaginative responses, and think up creative ways to teach new skills. And because his activities are so much fun, your child will want to display his prowess.

5. Your child’s room is clean, and so is your child. Excellent care includes cleanliness and good health. Your nanny will practice good hygiene around your child if she truly has his welfare in mind.

6. Accidents are infrequent. A good nanny makes safety a priority at home and on the road. She’ll hold your child’s hand when they cross a street on the way to the park, keep the safety gate to the kitchen closed at all times, and buckle up your child in the car seat.

As children begin school they spend less time with parents, and their friends become more important. Youth begin to create their own identity through what they do, where they go, and who they know. Often teens with low self-esteem or high anxiety will seek a “quick fix” of approval from a peer group. However, if children have been given strategies early in life to deal with tough decisions, they will be able to face these tests with good results.

Early in life, children should be given smaller decisions to make (which shirt to wear, which game to play, how to arrange their room). Children who have been allowed to experiment with and learn that decisions have consequences are better able as teens to make tougher decisions! Parents who always TELL their children what to do and control their behaviour with no choice by the child are preparing their children to listen to others without ever developing an inner voice to guide them for a lifetime.

Here are some essential tips-:

- Stay involved and connected. Talk and listen to your children. Know their friends, their school experience, and what their world is like. Parents busy with work and children busy with school activities have very little time to interact. That’s why it takes special effort. Here are some suggestions for connecting with your child:

- Be a sounding board. Make it clear that you are willing to listen.

- Use everyday family activities to stay close. Making dinner, running errands, taking a walk can all be turned into quality family time.

- Build in extra time to “check-in” at bedtime. Do not assume your child has outgrown this important bedtime ritual.

- Use notes, bulletin boards, and even e-mail to communicate with each other.

- Get to know your child’s friends by inviting them to your home and on family outings.