This question was asked of me by a friend who is a relatively new parent. The first thought that came to mind was “Well, you should have talked about this in the first place!” Of course, I didn’t say that. After a few moments of thinking, I had to qualify my “mind statement.” Indeed, there are many things that you talk about before you get married and start a family. However, it does not mean that everything goes as you plan. We all know that, don’t we?
So what do you do when you have kids and you and your partner have differing views when it comes to raising your children? Who is to be followed? How do you instill discipline?
A few things have come to my mind since that conversation. If I were to find myself in that situation, one of the things that I would seriously consider is to take the advice of those who have come before me. Parenting classes, perhaps. Or maybe counseling sessions. Advice from my parents. Advice from older friends who have had more experience. Any kind of input, I would welcome. I would go through the information with my husband and sift through it – find what we can use.
Another important thing would be to talk it over thoroughly with my husband. I think that the most important thing is to be able to present a united front. We need to reach an agreement – compromise in different aspects. It is not going to be easy but it is workable.
How about you? What would you do if you were in this situation?
Teaching kids the difference between what is right and what is wrong is, theoretically a simple thing. Then again, who is to say what is right and what is wrong? Add the concepts of left (wrong) and right (right) and things just might get all muddled up.
Mike’s take on this had me laughing my bum off:
My 4-year old loves to navigate when I drive the family van. But he sometimes gets confused with his left and right.
So I try to help him.
I drive. My wife sits in the front passenger seat. My 4-year old sits behind me while my 2-year old sits behind my wife.
“Daddy is on the left,” I tell my 4-year old. “Mommy is always right.”
Ok, so he was teaching his son directions – left and right. Yet I believe that this little anecdote gives us deeper insights. How do our children perceive the dynamics between mother and father? Do they see Mommy as always being in the right? Is the mother always the one who insists on doing the proper thing?
I am sure that in many other families, this issue is present. The mom might be the one seen as the one who insists on doing the right thing while the dad might be the more tolerant one. I don’t believe in stereotypes. I’d much rather that our children see a united front when it comes to what is right and what is wrong.
Share your thoughts?
It used to be that many parents believed in the adage “Spare the rod, spoil the child.” I honestly believe in this still – to a certain extent. I believe that maintaining discipline is an important thing. However, where do we draw the line between maintaining discipline and harsh parenting?
I was led to thinking about this topic when I read a news article published in The Canadian Press today. It talked about how punitive parenting can cause aggressive behavior in children:
And the analysis showed that punitive parenting was linked to negative results – 21 per cent of youth aged 12 to 15 who said their parents frequently yelled or threatened to hit them reported often being aggressive. And 26 per cent of youth who felt their parents rejected them reported they were often aggressive.
I can see the rationale behind the results of the study but it was not made clear as to what punitive parenting is exactly. If I spank my child when he does something wrong – after several talks – does this qualify as punitive parenting? Does punitive parenting equate to not spanking your child at all?
I am no expert in child behavior and parenting – at least not in the “scientific” way. I do, however, base my principles on experience and in my experience, discipline can be enforced with a little spanking now and then. But I see this as a last resort. More so, I also see the importance of balancing this with positive reinforcement – rewarding my child when he deserves it.
How do you discipline your child? What do you think about “punitive parenting”?
Earth Day is a couple of days away and most everyone is looking for ways to give back to nature. Though I see this flurry of activities in a positive light, I believe that “going green” is something that we have to pay attention to in every day of our lives. Being conscious of the environment and how our actions affect it is not a one time big time thing. It is something that we impart to our children right from the outset. It is learned throughout their childhood and carried on to their adulthood.
I distinctly remember my parents teaching us little practices by which we could be environmentally conscious. For example, when we eat candy while we are in the playground and we cannot see a trash can nearby, we were taught to put the wrapper in our pockets instead of throwing it on the ground.
My parents set good examples as well. One picture that I cannot erase from my memory is our family in a car on the highway. We were eating some chips and we were done, we dutifully placed all the trash in a bag – to be disposed of later. There was this really nice car in front of us. In a little while we discovered what they were having for snacks – corn cobs flew out of the window. Soda cans followed.
That image has been imprinted permanently in my mind – bringing up kids to realize how they can help the environment out does not have to be a very big deal. We do not have to buy all organic food. We do not have to buy certain labels at the grocery store all the time. Teaching our kids the little things that they can do everyday – like the illustration I shared above – is more lasting and more important in my mind.
How do you teach your kids the value of the environment?
No, I am not talking about walking the runway like Naomi Campbell and Kate Moss. What I have in mind is being super (role) models for our kids. I am drawing inspiration for this post from an entry in Dr. Robyn’s blog, entitled Powerful Role Models: Seven Ways to Make a Positive Impact on Children.
As I was reading through the entry, I was taken back in time. I remembered how, as a child, I looked up to may parents so much. In my eyes, they could do no wrong. My mom was a strict disciplinarian while my dad pampered us a bit more. They both walked their talk, as they say. My perception changed somewhat as I grew older but looking back now, I realize just how much my parents’ example has shaped who I am today.
Seeing how I regarded my parents as the main role models in my life, I am quite scared as to what my children would see in me. Would they respect me in much the same way I held my parents and their principles in high regard? Would I be able to live up to their expectations or would I be a disappointment to them?
This is where the 7th point in Dr. Robyn’s post becomes really helpful – demonstrating confidence in who we are. Being a parent is really the best – and the toughest – job in the world and realizing that as parents, we have to be “supermodels” for our kids can make it even tougher. Then again, we should not be afraid to make mistakes and apologize for them if the situation arises. The important thing is that we show a good example to our children – in the best way we can.
Are you a good listener? I actually find it amusing that I got the idea for this post from one of those online quizzes in a social networking site. I like taking those quizzes when I am passing away time. They may not be as accurate as they can be but they are fun and sometimes, provides valuable insight – like this one. As I was reading my results (I am supposedly a good listener although I don’t always come across as one), I could not help by relate the topic to being a parent.
As Munashe shares in his blog, the art of listening is perhaps one of the most important – if not THE most important – things that a parent should develop. What does the art of listening entail?
I believe that it is more than sitting there and hearing the things that your child has to say. It is not a passive activity but an interactive one. You actively listen by understanding what your child is saying and contributing something to the conversation. More so, listening entails understanding that maybe, at times, your child just wants to be heard and does not really need to be told what to do.
I think that is one problem that arises when children share things with their parents – we sometimes automatically think that we need to provide a solution to whatever they are presenting. Have you ever thought that maybe your child just wants to rant and let off steam and be heard? I sure know that I feel that way a lot of times.
So do you take the time out to really listen to your child? How do you listen?
Just like many families who didn’t go out of the city over the Easter weekend, we found ourselves at the mall on Saturday. It was not one of the most perfect times to go as there were throngs of people but we still found ourselves enjoying each other’s company and the sights to see. That was, until our little boy started throwing a fit because he wanted some Coke before dinner. Of course, mommy said no – he can have a glass after the meal. It would have been fine except that an uncle went ahead and bought himself a can. Little boy then started whining and comparing his uncle.
So how did we handle this? The way we usually do it is to give calm explanations. Children are quite rational if you get them used to it from the outset. Yesterday, though, it didn’t work immediately. Little boy kept whining and asking for a Coke. I decided to ignore him. After a while it stopped and we had dinner in peace – with two glasses of Coke afterwards.
Did I do the right thing? Should we ignore our children’s bad behavior? Tammy Daniele in Parenting Coach suggests doing so. However, she emphasizes that we should not ignore the CHILD but ignore the BEHAVIOR instead. She goes on to say that: A simple statement that sends the message that you, as a parent, are not going to respond to certain behaviors and will not respond until a more suitable behavior is being displayed.
I totally agree. How about you?
How many text messages do you send in a day? How about in a month? Are you one of those people who is always seen with a mobile phone in hand, hunched over it like there was no tomorrow? Dr. Bryan Vartabedian poses a question in his blog: How much texting is too much?
Several years ago, this question might not even come up too often. Today, however, the question arises once too often and applies not only to teenagers but to us parents as well! With the advent of affordable mobile phones and telecomm plans to go with them, it is but inevitable that many of us tend to get too caught up in text messaging. But is this really a concern? Are we texting too much?
I think that the more pressing matter, though, is what we teach to our kids by example. If they see us texting at the breakfast table, while watching TV, during dinner, and while driving, then we should re-think our habits. If we tell our kids to control their texting and not to text in class or to go to bed and stop texting and yet we do not do the same ourselves, then do you think they will obey?
This issue spans more than the actual activity of texting. It encompasses more than technology and its effects. I believe that the root is how parents teach children through how they behave and act. The principle can very well extend to other matters such as smoking and other lifestyle matters. Wouldn’t you agree?
What is the difference between reminding and nagging? Where do you draw the line? I believe that this is one of many grey areas in parenting – and I am not alone. A post by Kori Rodley Irons prompted me to write a post on this topic. In her blog, she poses the questions:
Do we remind our children until they do what we need them to? Do we put a limit on how many times we are going to remind them? Is there a grace period? Do we mix it up and use notes, signs, and verbal reminders? What is the right way to go about managing and issuing those annoying reminders?
Based on experience, I believe the best way is to instill a sense of responsibility in our children early on. When you ask them to do something, try to make them understand that there are consequences to their action or their inaction. Of course, in the beginning, you would probably have to keep on reminding until they realize that there is no way out of it. This could be dubbed as nagging by some people but perhaps the difference lies in the fact that you are reminding because you are trying to teach your children something and not because you are getting irritated that they are not taking some action.
Therein lies the difficulty. Being able to keep reminding without getting mad is not an easy thing to do. Perhaps in this aspect, we have some learning to do as well.
Financial smarts are learned through a lifetime of lessons. I believe that it is best to start at a young age. People who do not learn financial sense in their childhood or teenage years are probably the ones who have the most trouble handling their finances as adults. GoodParenting posted an entry on this topic sometime last week and though it focused mainly on teaching children the value of wealth (with the assumption that you are relatively wealthy), the insights presented are valuable.
I particularly like the point which says “make them accountable for every expense they make and every penny they spend.” I believe that this is part of teaching children how to be responsible financially. I do not know at what age you want to start giving your children allowances but let’s say once they start going to school. With this privilege, parents must instill a sense of responsibility – they must ensure that their children understand that they are to be accountable for what they spend. Parents must also go one step further and be firm in disciplining their children. For example, if the allotted allowance is spent before the next one is due, they should not coddle their children and simply give them more.
What I have shared above is merely my opinion. Surely other parents may have their own point of view in this matter. What about you, what is your stand?
