We don’t call being a parent the toughest job on earth for nothing, do we? Any parent knows that this job can very well take all that you’ve got to give – and then some. New parents will also learn – very quickly, I must add – that they will be judged no matter what they do. From feeding habits to toys to education – these issues will always be raised, and controversy is not far behind. Here are some of the top parenting issues today (at least based on my experience) and what I think of them. Don’t hesitate to join in the conversation and let me know what you think!
#1: Spanking
I’ve already written a post on this, and I know just how divided parents are over the issue. Some experts say that spanking can cause children to become more aggressive as adults, while others think that disciplining them in this manner can make them understand the principle of consequences. I lean towards the latter, as long as it is clear that the emphasis is on discipline and not punishment. I know a LOT of people who were spanked as kids and turned out pretty well as adults. 
#2: Co-sleeping
Ahh, children need their own beds and their own bedrooms, right? Proponents of co-sleeping highlight the fact that children do need a psychological blanket, and parents serve as that. However, co-sleeping presents various problems: risk of asphyxiation for young kids, too much dependency, etc. I think that co-sleeping is fine from time to time, but it must not become a habit. You would want your kids to grow up learning how to sleep alone, wouldn’t you?
#3: Medication for behavioral problems
These days, a lot of children seem to be diagnosed for ADD and other similar problems. There are doctors who will not hesitate to prescribe medication to treat certain conditions. Should you immediately take their advice? I am a staunch believer in the power of medicine, but I would hesitate if my child were to be prescribed medication for behavioral problems. I’ll get a second, even a third, opinion; and then look for treatment options that do not involve medication.
#4: Breast feeding
The general consensus is the breast feeding is still best for babies (and mommies). Medically speaking, there is no point for debate. However, breast feeding simply doesn’t work for some women. My take is that we should breast feed when we can, and if it doesn’t work, then use formula. Simple.
#5: Underage drinking
My stand on this is very clear: no alcohol till you’re of age. Some parents bank on the premise that the kids are going to do it outside of the house anyway, so might as well allow them to do it at home. At least they can keep an eye on the kids, right? I don’t buy that, do you?
So, let’s get the ball rolling. What are your thoughts on these issues?
For as long as anyone can remember, disciplining children has been a hot parenting topic. I think that we can all agree that we need to instill discipline and values in our children. The question lies in the method. How do we discipline our children? What is the right way? Is there even a right and wrong way?
For some, the Biblical principles of not sparing the rod apply. I have to admit that I see value in this principle. It has been tried and tested over the ages, and as long as certain guidelines are followed, it is quite effective in showing children that actions have consequences, and that they will have to face those consequences.
Spanking, however, has its detractors. Indeed, recent studies have shown that spanking just might prove to be harmful under certain circumstances. An article published in Pediatrics (the official journal of the American Academy of Pediatrics) earlier this week states that spanking young children might increase their risk for aggressive behavior in their later years. Here are the official results of the study:
Frequent use of CP (ie, mother’s use of spanking more than twice in the previous month) when the child was 3 years of age was associated with increased risk for higher levels of child aggression when the child was 5 years of age (adjusted odds ratio: 1.49 [95% confidence interval: 1.2–1.8]; P < .0001), even with controlling for the child's level of aggression at age 3 and the aforementioned potential confounding factors and key demographic features.
Bottom line: the study provides huge support to the followers of the no spanking principle.
My question is this: should we throw away the idea of spanking because of the study?
We are all still entitled to our own opinions. I am sure that there are those of you who are nodding their heads right now, agreeing with the study. I have to say, however, that I do not think that we should do away with spanking. It has a purpose, and done the right way, teaches children a lot of things.
I believe that in order for spanking to serve its purpose, we have to take note of these things:
1. There should be no sense of anger involved. We are disciplining our children to teach them a lesson, not to vent.
2. The child being disciplined should understand why he is being spanked. This is another reason parents should not spank their kids when they’re angry. The idea of cause and effect, actions and consequences, should be explained to the child being disciplined.
3. The parent should not fail to show the child being disciplined that he/she is loved despite the fact that he is being spanked. Again, this is part of the whole process. The child should understand that he is being taught a lesson, not in anger or hatred, but because it is part of growing up.
That’s my take on the spanking issue. What about you?
From the get go, Barack Obama made it known just how important his family is to him. Despite being the busy guy that he is, he always makes it a point to set aside time and resources for his wife and two girls. It looks to me that he is quite successful at what he is doing.
Recently, he was interviewed by Essence Magazine, and he talked at length about his stand on parent involvement in regard to raising children. Let me share with you some of the points that struck me the most.
Regulate TV time. So what does the first couple do? The president says that the girls are not allowed to watch TV during school nights. Instead, they have to do their homework first – as soon as they get home actually. When dinner time comes around and they’re still not done, then they continue after. Naturally, this requires diligence AND patience on everyone’s part. I understand this, though, as my parents did the same thing with us, and I’d like to think it worked out pretty well!
Set educational expectations. I think this is one thing that many parents need to work on. We have to draw the line regarding what is expected of the children and what we can do to help them. I have heard about (and seen) so many parents take on the school workload of their children just so things can get done. I can also recount a lot of stories about parents who set very high (often unrealistic) expectations. The trick is in finding the correct balance between giving the child responsibility AND supporting him when necessary. Unfortunately, this is a gray area. Who is to say what the balance is? Here’s a rough guide, according to the President: children must take responsibility for waking up and getting to school on time. They also must take responsibility for routine homework. When it comes to extra projects and other non-routine tasks, perhaps parents can lend a helping hand.
Communicate. This is a way of monitoring how your child is getting along in school. You need to make it a habit to spend time with your child regularly, if only to talk about mundane things. Even better, make it a point to set goals with your child, and then celebrate milestones together.
Isn’t that just a wonderful thing to hear from someone of such stature?
I remember a conversation I had with a friend, which happened many years ago, very clearly to this day. We were talking about how some parents “kill Santa” for their kids. This memory was brought to mind afresh just minutes ago as I was reading an article written by Lorraine Sommerfeld. Titled “Tough love parenting: Parents who cancelled Christmas,” the article talks about “extreme” measures that some parents take in order to straighten out unmanageable kids.
She talked about some stories of parents “cancelling Christmas:”
I wonder how many would feature tales like the year my mother cancelled Christmas.
Mournful little girls had to wait until noon to get their stockings, which had indeed been taken down and hidden. Mom was bigger than Santa Claus.
But a reader topped that one, too. Michael told me that the week before Christmas, his father went outside, shot twice into the air with a .22 rifle, then came back in and told two rowdy lads he’d killed Santa. My mother, apparently, had only delayed him.
This got me thinking…would I ever take on the tough love parenting stance to the extreme and do something such as cancelling Christmas? I cannot imagine myself telling our little ones that I have asked Santa not to drop by because they are behaving inappropriately, much less tell them I killed him. I suppose though, that cancelling Christmas can take on various forms.
Our Christmas plans are already set for the year, and the kids are not proving to be more trouble than they normally are, so I doubt that I will have the need to practice this kind of tough love this season. The article did give me some ideas on how we can give Christmas a little twist.
Perhaps, instead of getting all those presents from us on Christmas, we can ask them to pick out all the things they want to give away and then organize a little party for the less fortunate kids. That’s not exactly cancelling Christmas but teaches the kids a life lesson.
Anyhow, going back to tough love parenting…I find it particularly interesting that “frightening” children has a psychological and behavioral basis. Sommerfeld wrote that this is “the chance for kids to develop a behavioural conscience. What they see is that their actions have pushed Mom past a reasonable point. They will read past the content to the deeper meaning – there will be consequences for those actions.”
Reflecting on that more, I am beginning to see her point. Remember my 4-year-old rebel? Should I go out on a limb and try this out?
It’s summer vacation, and this year we decided to enjoy the time we have together as a family, without busy schedules or classes, with just the time to really do anything or nothing for once! Last summer we did no less than 3 trips, and in-between I enrolled the kids in summer classes (N did a reading workshop, O an art class), so you can imagine how the holiday went amazingly quickly and not without stress! This summer we wanted to do the opposite, so aside from a 2-week trip to visit Grandpa P, we had NOTHING else planned.
Great?! Well, yes, aside from one small detail. My kids have been fighting like cats and dogs (ok, worse!) on a daily basis. Maybe it’s because we are at our beach house and there are no other kids around, maybe its because the beach hasn’t really been swimmable so they’ve been pushed with things to do…maybe they just have serious personality clashes?….
Luckily, the truth is that siblings WILL fight and there really isn’t much we parents can do about it (other than scream and make threats). But I did find this very useful bit of advice from Positive Parenting, which said:
“Instead of reacting to the fighting, parents can choose to be pro-active. They can stay out of the fights in a nonjudgmental way. Children need to be able to settle things for themselves. Parents can teach negotiation skills later during a calm period. Teach your child to say “I’ll give you these blocks for those.” This will help them learn win-win skills that will be there when they are needed now and useful in the future.”
I’ll be giving this a try in about 30 seconds….
The other day I was told that my daughter and her best friend Dan were at the park and were “being mean” to Frances, a three-year-old. They were all at the park together, Nat, Dan Maxine (Dan’s little sister) and Frances, and the older ones started playing a game which involved being “mean” to Frances. I don’t know the exact mechanics of what happened as this was relayed to us Moms later by the babysitters, but what was most upsetting was that the older ones apparently threw rocks at poor little Frances.
It’s a horrible thought, that your child is capable of maliciousness. We all believe in our heads that our kids are nothing short of angelic (beneath the naughtiness). I didn’t find out until more than a week after the incident (Dan’s busy Mom forgot to tell me – he got grounded) , so by then it was too late to punish Nat. But we did have a little talk. I needed an explanation. I knew Nat wasn’t an angel, she certainly had more than her fair share of naughtiness, but she wasn’t a mean kid either. Ok, so she did tease her little brother a lot, but she was always sweet to the baby and I just didn’t see any maliciousness in her behaviour for the 7 years that I’ve known her.
So was this park incident just mischief or maliciousness? Was my daughter actually bullying?
According to Wikipedia:
Bullying is the act of intentionally causing harm to others, through verbal harassment, physical assault, or other more subtle methods of coercion such as manipulation.
Well, like I said, I wasn’t there. Nat and Dan have been known to cook up mischief when they were together, but never to this degree (weelll…they were caught pelting toys at the babysitter when they were 3). But more importantly, they are actually very sweet kids. Compassionate, kind and basically good 7-year-old’s – definitely not the bullying types.
So Nat, to the best of her ability, told me what happened two weeks ago. She said they were simply playing a “monster” game and Frances was the “monster”- which the unsuspecting Frances she didn’t know she was. She said they weren’t really being mean to the little girl, and that she couldn’t remember if she was throwing rocks or not. Okay…. At least she was very sorry when I explained how this sort of thing was just unacceptable and that if it happened again there would be serious consequences. I think she knew it was wrong in the back of her mind, but the mischief and fun in playing this game took over. The incident is over now, and the kids are all friends…so lets pray it doesn’t happen again.
Our furry friends have been known to lower stress of parenting and childhood for they offer companionship without question even if they do get around to mischief from time to time. Raising kids can be quite hectic specially in today’s recession wrecked economy but having them take care of a pet can be a nice way to teach them some responsibility. They do entail some costs for care and veterinary services to ensure they are fit and well but take my word for it, they’re well worth the cost so knowing the breed through updated dog information is essential for both your sakes.
You can also try animal shelters and animal charities for some pets that have had it rough and need loving families. May you be a pet lover or not, dogs and all other pets deserve care for they are our responsibility. Dogs are more energetic than cats and may even contribute to the health of your family as you have to take them for walks, call it a symbiotic existence where both benefit from living together.
Parents and kids alike will benefit for with the kids, they get to get a taste of responsibility and compassion for animals. For us adults, they become a sort of multi-tasking ward, guarding our homes, watching over the kids and what can we say, it’s just fun to talk and pour out stress without having the other party answer back!!!
It’s Daddy here. Apologies for that last post- not by Lara- just something I found in the drafts by an old author, as I’m supposed to be covering for Lara while she is away at the beach for a few days with some friends. Obviously, I haven’t done a very good job….:-)
Natasha, our six year old, and Oliver, our three year old, LOVE playing Wii. When Mummy is home and in charge, there is a very strict rule that Wii is only to be played on weekends and even then there are time limits. Well when Mum is away, we all come out and play! Parenting Daddy-style. The kids love it of course, as we stay up until the wee hours and they know it’s a one-off as Mummy would be furious!
I admit that it’s completely lame on my part. It reflects on my laziness to be more creative and proactive as a parent. It’s terrible, really, and I do get why. The kids should be outside running in the fresh air using their own imagination to play. And I should be laying down foundations for life that are not based on instant gratification. In my defense, I find it quite hard to be a single-parent to two young chidren (even if just for a few days) when they are so used to Mum being the central figure of discipline. This especially as it’s the holidays and they don’t normally have so much time on their hands. Plus there is little Wills to keep an eye on (who also seems to have an early affection for Wii himself!)
The latest Wii obsession of the kids and I is the Mii Golf game. It’s completely addictive and just an incredible amount of fun!
So here are five points that I have prepared in my defense, in anticipation of Lara’s wrath when she comes back tomorrow. It’s the best I could come up with!
1. Physical co-ordination
There is no doubt that the kids have gotten to improve some of their physical skills. Eye-had coordination for one- whether that be with their aim, timing or anticipation. Nat is naturally sporty and so has a very good eye for the ball already. But she also tends to be a bit clumsy, so Wii games do help learn her own strength and use more “touch” and deftness. Ollie doesn’t seem to have a natural eye for the ball, and Wii has improved his timing.
2. Learning to win & lose
This is a big one. Nat is incredibly competitive and has been ever since she could walk and talk. Especially against her little brother, who luckily doesn’t share the same character trait and is very sweet even if he doesn’t win. So if I take a shot for him and misses, he’ll say: “Don’t worry, Dad, it’s okay…” and have that cute look about him when I could just hug him to death! But going back to Nat, we are talking serious tantrums, sulking, crying and bad moods if she isn’t “the winner”. One might think that Wii would actually make this worse, but in fact Nat has started (very slowly…) to learn that she doesn’t need to win all the time and be more graceful when she loses. I can tell that it still hurts her like mad and she loathes losing, but the fact that she is now pretending not to mind as much is certainly a start in the right direction. And the other side of the coin is also learning how to win gracefully and in this respect Nat is much better than Ollie (probably as she has so much practice at it, as we let her win so much…), who does tend to gloat when he wins and say things like “I’m good, you’re bad, I’m the winner, you’re the loser, na, na..”. Again, from playing Wii, Ollie has started to learn that it’s not nice to gloat over your opponent when you win.
3. An introduction to business
With Mii Golf (& quite a few of the other Wii games) there is a lot of “stuff” that one wants to acquire. In this case things from the “shop” like the Dinosaur mask, the Amazon golf club, the Cat Jester or the Spook-a-Rama hat! And as one has to buy these with “coins” that you win by completing holes and courses, or one has to win them from another player when playing for “items”, a whole new realm of “trade” becomes introduced as a concept. Both kids learn the value of the coins that they have won and that they can’t afford to buy everything with them, so need to selectively choose. Plus they learn to attach additional value to the items they do own according to how hard they worked to acquire them, so it isn’t like a “pocket money for toys” lesson, as they have to also decide which items they care least about when betting them in a game (wait…am I encouraging gambling? Yikes!).
4. Patience & tenacity
A lot of the holes one has to complete in Mii Golf are pretty hard to do, even for me. The only way to master them is via trial and error, sometimes doing them over and over until you want to pull your hair out! Both Nat & Ollie obviously like to get immediate results when they play any game. And this is definitely one of Nat’s weak points when doing her homework, for instance. Unless the answer is obvious straight away, she tends to panic and give up, not wanting to solve the problem with more thought and effort (especially with Maths!). Weirdly enough, Wii has helped them both learn that “trying and trying again until you succeed” can reap rewards.
5. Teamwork
Quite often in Wii games, as is true in Mii Golf, one has to work as a team to win. In this instance, to beat Barker and win coins from him. With this set-up, nobody is a “winner” or “loser” and the kids have learned to use encouragement to help each other do well in order to defeat their opponent. So Ollie will say “good shot, Nat” even if she had in fact put the ball in the bunker! And Nat will instruct Ollie what he needs to do and so takes on the role of “teacher”. Practically every other game the two of them play (even if it’s just throwing around a ball) involves some kind of competition and thus a winner/loser, so I really like it when they play and and learn to work for each other.
As I said, pretty thin, no? I have surfed a bit trying to find some resources that might back up my “clutching at straws” excuses…
Kotaku has a neat post about the motor skills aspect.
Edutopia writes about the potential benefits of cooperation.
Gamasutra talks about the health benefits.
Evening Standard has a piece on how the Wii improves intelligence.
And some some other interesting reads:
How a University lecturer was paid £5,000 to study benefits of Wii.
Time asks if Wii really is good for your health.
And finally some childish streams of consciousness about Wii.
I fear none of this will suffice when Mummy returns and I’ll be in the dog house! And thus Lara will answer her own question on this blog and we’ll be subjected to an even stricter set of rules…:-(
No doubt that the spotlight has been cast on the President-elect’s whole family. Ever since he started out on his journey to the White House, every eye and ear has been turned towards Barack Obama, his wife Michelle, and their two girls. Obama supporter or not, parents might pick up a tip or two from how the first couple-to-be are raising their children, don’t you think?
The Chicago Tribune published an article today on some key points on how the Obamas deal with their kids. Here are those points:
Discipline: Kids have an 8 p.m. bedtime, make their beds every morning and set their own alarms each night.
Ok, check.
Be involved: Parents try to never miss a parent-teacher conference or dance recital.
Check.
Keep routines: Parents drive the daughters to school—even when Dad’s not really “driving” and is flanked by Secret Service.
Check – most of the time at least.
Carve out couple time: Barack and Michelle Obama maintain “date” nights to maintain sanity.
Check and double check!
Never underestimate the power of Grandma: Marian Robinson, Michelle’s mom, is credited with baby-sitting during the busy campaign and is invited to live, at least part time, in Washington to help with the girls.
Check again.
Be in touch: When you’re on the road, call home every night.
A most definite check!
Protect the kids’ privacy: When a photographer got too close as Dad walked Sasha to a Halloween party, he snapped, “You’ve got a shot. Leave us alone.”
Check – I guess. We don’t have photographers following us around.
Read to your kids: Ann Walker Marchant, a family friend, said she watched Obama read to his children even when his voice was hoarse from campaigning.
Again a vehement check.
No spoiling: The Obamas told Barbara Walters they wanted the kids to feel special to their parents, but not better than anyone else.
Hard, but getting there.
Play together: Friends and neighbors describe the Obamas participating in Saturday outings playing Scrabble and Twister.
Check.
Teach them to help those less fortunate: The family volunteered at a Chicago food pantry the day before Thanksgiving.
Check! Now would be a good time to show the kids the value of giving to those who are in need.
Keep it casual: Envisioning life in the White House, the Obamas say they can see kids running down the halls, popping into the Oval Office after school and having sleepovers.
Definitely. We’re as casual as casual can be.
Now wasn’t that an interesting checklist? How does your parenting fare?
Maybe a better question would be, does parenting really affect personality? I am going to be honest right from the beginning – I have no clear cut answers to these questions. The reason I am posting about it is that my friends and I got to talking about children’s personalities as compared to their parents’ personalities.
Friend O was wondering out loud why her child was such a quiet little girl – she’s 2. She was wondering because she is a very gregarious person and so is her whole family. Obviously, her daughter is the “odd baby out.” Anyhow, we got to talking about what shapes the personality of a child.
Is it hereditary? Is it because of one’s parenting style? If it were hereditary, then naturally extroverted people should have extroverted children. But this isn’t always the case (as it is with my friend O). That is why I tend to lean towards parenting style having a great effect on children’s personalities.
I also found some material on this topic. Irene Watson shares how parenting styles can really affect the personality of your child:
Research on parenting during childhood and adolescence has focused primarily on the effects of parenting behaviors and styles. A crucial element of parenting is the way in which the parents attempt to control the child. Numerous consequential factors that seem to be significant have been isolated. Of course, the degree and kind of control that the parent exercises over the child has portentous ramification for the development of personality.
Studies and theories show that genetic analyses do not contribute to the framework as much as does the within-family environment in effecting personality constructs.
What is your take on this?
